yesterday PLUS an announcement

I got up & got a bunch of chores done yesterday morning...

lots & lots

and

it felt good.

(the hallway inside the garage door)

As I walked through my house in the morning light, I was struck by how much I love this house. It's far from perfect & needs a lot of work- in so many areas...

But it is my dream home. It looks like me & Brett, it's has my personality all over it.

It says family to me.

 Ya- I like it here.

***

I headed down to the hospital to pick up Chloe.

I had permission to take her off grounds for the whole day 12-8:00 PM- Woo Hoo!

We headed straight to lunch at Stan's! 

Gyros & Cheeseburgers with onion ring & fries.

 Oh man- that beats hospital food any day.

(Wende sent Chloe a big pack of sharpies because she knows how much she loves them, she isn't allowed to keep them there so I put them in her room when I got home.)

I had a package for Chloe 

(I usually do)

Full of little things she needed from home AND gifts from kind people-

 kind people that I love more than anything in the world.

 So many people have sent me down with little things for her!

I have never once asked- they just do.

I appreciate them & hope that angels bless them & their posterity forever more.

Is there anything better in the world than someone doing something kind?

Not something huge - just something kind.

Something thoughtful and kind and- for my sick child?

(tears)

People are so good.

A sweet family in our congregation -Hi Jennifer- sent a big envelope full of art work from everyone (she has six beautiful children) for her room! Each child & both parents made all these darling things for her.

 Pictures & jewelry... SHE LOVED THEM! Just loved them! She can't keep the jewelry but it is here for when she gets home. People send her quotes & letters & things to hang up in her room- nice.

We had so much fun eating lunch & going through these things and- just being together.

When Megan was just a tiny baby- we lived less than a block from this little drive in, Stan's. We were very poor college students. Every Monday Brett would head over there with our leftover change and wait in a very long line. Monday nights they had 1/2 price ice cream... good memories.

We headed to Target- then the mall

And found lots of cute things on sale for school etc. 

It was such a GREAT day. Really, really good day.

Brett & Trent came down & met us- Plus these two cuties for dinner!

Are they cute or what?!

This is Jack's sweetheart Emily. 

THEN

it happened.

All Hell Broke Loose

-oh boy-

The restaurant was crowded, Trent was overly excited, there were so many choices on the menu, he started throwing baby fits. Then the baby fits got bigger.

 Chloe started to tic. I started getting upset, Brett was calm.

I was so very embarrassed with Jack's girlfriend there. (So embarrassed, really.)

 Then it escalated to the point Brett had to take him out to the car and go home.

 sigh- it's been a long time- since we've had an episode like this. 

I apologized to the waitress & servers & Emily & tried to blame the autism, teenage hormones, whatever? 

It was rough.

(we both got new shoes)

We finished up our dinner & headed to a different mall- crazy I know!?

We only had one hour - so we had to make it quick.

While Chloe was mesmerized by the make up counter, I headed upstairs in JCPenney.

I went up the escalator & gasped out loud (for real) as I walked in on this display!

It's been YEARS since I've been in a JCPenneys- I was so impressed!

Chloe tried on lots of make up- she loves it & for sure doesn't need it.

 Isn't that how it goes, when your young & don't need it you always want to wear it... now I need it & I sometimes forget to even put it on! I don't want to - but now & then I go out in public & there I am-

 one eye with mascara on the other forgotten-- and I think Trent can be embarrassing!?

Then it was time.

 I dropped her off. Again.

And started my long, one hour, cry fest-- home.

Back to the house that I love.

I love it much more with my sweet Chloe in it.

It's really not the house, but the people who live in it & have grown up in it.

I don't write much about her illness because it is intensely private. I don't want to make anything harder for her than it already is. I love her. I love all of my children & never want them to suffer.

Thank you for praying for her & us.

I love it when people tell me their children pray for her.

 Those are my happiest moments, knowing that children pray for her. 

How could Heavenly Father not hear the prayer of a child? 

Speaking of children 

Here are a couple of cuties and an announcement - if you haven't already heard.

 (Finn in front- Crew in back)

Dear Heavenly Father -

Please bless the children & the grandchildren- all five of them!

great day for a rocket launch

 The weather here has been spectacular!

Perfect for 6th grade rocket day. Trent has been looking forward to this for a long time- I have been looking forward to the opening of City Creek & planning on heading there straight after work (I work most Thursdays.) But alas, both days coincided. Again - it was a perfect day for a rocket launch!

Look at this kid-- so happy!

Ya- he has green teeth.

Trent's teacher let the kids paint their rockets or decorate them & trent chose to "paint" his rocket with dry erase marker--- that got all over him & in his mouth when he held it in there for a sec. 

(even though I scrubbed him thoroughly when he got home from school, his face was covered in green by the end of the night- not too worry a good before bed shower took it off almost completely.)

 I can't help but notice how nice the kids are to Trent at school. Every kid in the school knows him by name & he know most of them. He didn't want to put the fuzzy stuff (can't remember what that's called) in his rocket. He asked me to do it & said out loud- I don't want to touch it- one of the boys just jumped in & said here Trent I'll do it for you. Trent is not comfortable with new textures.

 I am amazed with the ability of children to - for the most part- to be accepting of others & their differences. I truly don't think most of his peers even notice his tics anymore.

 Wednesday night was Jr. High orientation. The new kids & parents were sitting on bleachers listening to the principal & watching a slide show on all the many class choices etc. Trent was so excited/nervous he was ticking constantly. Jerking, whistling, grunting- jerking whistling, grunting- repeat over & over not in any particular order.

I whispered loudly "it's okay... I know you are nervous," repeat. Hoping everyone around us would hear me & be sensitive. About 20 minutes into the presentation the woman in front of us turned around angrily & said- ENOUGH ALREADY, YOU NEED TO STOP IT. I looked her straight in the eye & said- HE HAS TOURETTES. She glared at me & shook her head left to right.

 Trent buried his face in his hands, then in my shoulder.

I was stunned - I started to cry. 

It has been a hard couple of weeks here with other family issues & I think that was my tipping point.

My sweet neighbor was sitting above Trent & moved down one bench next to us with her daughter. I made eye contact with her & then started crying more- and more- and I couldn't stop the tears. Trent of course was worried I was mad at him. I just said without whispering- it's okay- You can tic if you need to- she doesn't understand- I'm not mad at you.

After the presentation she just took off walking. No apology- nothing. The gentleman sitting on the other side of us came up to me & patted me on the back. That was so kind & I needed that. We had to go.

 Oh YES

today was the perfect day for a rocket launch.

 I think most people probably don't know what tourettes syndrome is? 

But- I also think if you pay attention you can usually tell when a kid is different? I know I need to get thicker skin. These next few years are going to be hard for Trent & hard for me to watch. I don't know why we have this trial in our life. But- I know that I am learning. It just seems so unfair. We will be educating others as we move on to Jr. High with this sweet kid- I guess I didn't think we would have to educate the parents. But this is how it is.

"Life is perfect for none of us. Rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in this journey through life."--Thomas S. Monson 

hard week

For reasons I cannot share here-

It's been a really, really hard week.

I'm glad to say,

Things are Looking UP!

And.....

Thank you intimate friends & family for your prayers.

Thank you whomever sent these flowers.

42 Days

Yes- You read it right.

Only 42 Days until missionary Jack comes home.

Oh-- it will be good to have the whole family together again.

broken hearted

It's been a hard week on the aspergers/autism front.
More than one kid at school this week has picked on my favorite guy.

Yesterday...
Even the typical supportive kids were involved in a challenge to get him to suck down ketchup packets in the lunch table. T- he doesn't get it. He knows something is not right - but he doesn't "get" it. I was angry. Then I was really angry. Then I wrote some emails. Now I am heart broken.

It's not just autism/aspergers we are dealing with.
It's hard to write this.
I just admitted it fully to myself recently.
But he is you know, slow.
His IQ tests are very low.
(Gosh- I can't believe I am writing this? Why does it make me feel better? Like I'm unloading a burden on a close friend? Am I trying to get sympathy, do I crave attention?)
He is more than a kid with ADHD- Tourettes- OCD- anxiety... he is special. He can't help it. He doesn't understand. Most things are more difficult for him than other kids. He just wants to play & have friends, & be liked--- you know, just like all of us.

My heart hurts.
Thanks for listening.

crabby

I'm seriously having a bad day....
so bad that-
I walked around Target for an hour hoping to snap out of it-
then came home to the dogs rooting through the kitchen garbage.

so bad that-
after that I ate 3 ding dongs.
WhY did I have ding dongs in the house? They were for the missionary of course- his favorite. Trying to be a nice mom gets me into so much trouble.

so bad that-
I begged the other scout leaders to take my boys today with them caroling because I just knew I couldn't handle it today. They of course came caroling to my house... I gave them all a ding dong.

so bad that-
I have the dreaded company Christmas dinner tonight .... holy hell I hate this stupid annual dinner. Which translates into hours of stewing over what to wear & misery. Two years ago was a disaster- last year, worse- this year...
let's just hope brett has a job on Monday.

It's just one of those days

mt. timpanogas cave

My husband loves to hike.

I don't.

But, I'm a pretty good sport.

For 13 years we have lived here in the great state of Utah...

and we have always said-- we were going to hike up to the Mt. Timpanogas cave, but haven't gotten around to it. In honor of living a "more meaningful life,"we decided to go Friday morning.
Brett took the day off work, we packed a lunch & headed out early. The tickets to the cave sell out early, so the internet says... plus it was going to be a hot day. Everyone needed a jacket- it's only 43 degrees year round in the cave & the tour of the cave lasts about an hour. Most of us preferred to tie a jacket around our waist... others wore theirs with the hood on, the whole entire trip just to annoy the heck out of their mothers-geez louiz, child?

Before leaving Brett searched the internet for a cub scout patch to earn at Mt. Timpanogas National Monument- no luck- but when we got there to get tickets we asked & sure enough-- there was a patch. On the list of requirements it said the scout needed to watch the 17 minute movie about the monument before leaving on the hike- so we did--
and this is where I should have stopped myself...
Watching the informative little movie got me thinking.
Hmm-- 1 1/2 mile hike, 1065 ft. up...
to a cave...?
That little voice inside me said, "I'm not sure this trip is for you?"
I didn't want to spook the kids,
I knew Brett was really excited about this hike...
I didn't say a word.

We found a delightful little picnic spot across the road & ate our lunch. Trent picked up some garbage as part of the patch earning process. It was stunningly beautiful!
The smell of the pine trees was intoxicating & reminded me of the many camping days of my youth. I loved, loved, loved camping as a girl in the mountains of WA state! Loved it.
This was going to be fun!

We started up the trail with many other families. Families with little kids running up the trail with enthusiasm, moms with babies in backpacks (so cute.) I said to Brett- I should bring all of my scouts here! What a great trip! What a great patch! We were amazed & couldn't believe we hadn't been here before this- what a shame- 13 years & we hadn't hiked this trail yet?!

It was a little steep, but so beautiful, not hot yet & it was just great to be out together.

Then
it started.
To get steep.

I learned something about myself - fast-
I don't like kids. running. near. cliffs.
I don't like me. being. near. cliffs. at. all.
or hiking. or being outside. or nature that has to do with views from up really high.

signs like this one-
did not make me feel any better.

I started saying things like,
"DON'T WALK NEXT TO THE EDGE."
"STAY TO THE LEFT"
I started sweating- profusely.
My heart was pounding.
It left it's regular spot in my chest & settled in my throat.
I was getting dizzy.

"Look at that view of the valley!" brett kept saying...
"isn't this gorgeous," brett kept saying... then
"we can walk slower, do you need a drink of water?"
"kids, let's stop & let mom rest for a bit."
I wasn't doing too good.
Not to worry--- we had been walking forever, maybe we were getting close?
or maybe we had been walking for 15 minutes & were only 1/4 of the way up- that was it.


Even though we were walking up hill-
I was going down hill... mentally & physically.
I made it a little over 1/2 way up. I really wanted to go, but it wasn't going to happen.
I could tell that Brett was disappointed with me, but didn't want to be. He married a wimp. Those other families with their little ones walking, running & laughing up a steep mountain... were making me insane. CHILDREN SHOULD NOT WALK NEAR CLIFFS - ESPECIALLY AHEAD OF THEIR PARENTS ALONE. I felt very strongly about this & found myself having to look away when others were near us. I started clinging to the side of the mountain & then hyperventilating. I stopped taking photos. As we turned a corner I looked up- way up- and there were people still walking the trail.
I started to cry.
I could hardly breath.
I thought I might throw up.
It was over.
The rest of the family went on without me.
I sat on a bench for what felt like a long time.
I wondered if I should try to catch up? no.
I started down the mountain & knew I had made the right decision. If walking up the mountain was a scary view... just think about how scared I was walking down- it was a much more vivid view of DOWNness. I clung next to the mountain wall as I shuffled down. As people came near me I tried to appear normal & sane & not to breath too heavy. Someone asked me if I liked the cave?- they must have assumed- I made it & was on my way down.
"oh ya- it's great." I kept slithering down & met a park ranger. He told me- (in between asking me if I was okay) that cave made him claustrophobic... so his favorite thing to do was to walk the trail- ya I made the right choice. What was I thinking? I am so claustrophobic- SERIOUSLy what was I thinking? I guess I was thinking there would be railings & a big huge cave room that you would walk into, look around & leave. Nope.
I kept telling myself- I'm good at lots of things... really I am. I'm not an idiot, no, not at all.
It wasn't my best day.

here are some of the photos from the cave.

THEY made it!

They loved it!

After leaving the cave Trent signed the book- therefore ensuring he earned the patch.

It was beautiful, tight at times & so cool inside!

The breathtaking view on the way back down.

they even saw a baby squirrel.

Awe, nature...

it's a glorious thing.

Trent will be receiving the Utah National Monument Patch at the next pack meeting.

I will not be returning with the other Bear scouts, or ever for that matter. I did calm down before they made it down a couple of hours later. Luckily the snack bar had diet pepsi - that'll do in an emergency- I brought a book. It took about an hour, but I calmed down & was so happy to see them when they got back about 2 1/2 hours later.

We were all exhausted.

I learned a lot about myself this day.

Some things are good to know.

I mean about myself.

So- you know- I don't do that kind of thing... again. EVer....

good day gone wrong

It started out as such a great day--
I have a list of things done, I even made bread- BREAD people! I've been making loads of homemade bread & feeling very martha - ish... thanks to this: the greatest bread recipe of all time.
I sewed, cleaned, ran a couple of errands, visited with a friend, cleaned the fridge, weeded the front yard- because jack said he would then didn't..... (the start of my anger) then I planted flowers in the back yard & had a couple plants left over for some pots. I even watered my newly planted garden, twice.
It should've been bliss.
Should've been.
I lost it- completely lost it-
screaming mad- horrible potty words like: stupid even the SH word slipped in there - under my breath, but I'm sure they heard it.
What put me over the edge?
There was a whole long list of things going wrong. I snapped. I hate it when I snap. I had a little snap yesterday when a neighborhood kid talked Trent into thinking that slashing his bike tires would get him a new bike.... maybe some of that carried over.
Anyhow-
it feels like someone rototilled the back of my legs & my hands are aching.
i have such guilt for yelling my head off - then going to bed.
I should've gotten in bed 45 minutes earlier.....
I hope the ibuprofen kicks in soon & that today is better.

winter is getting me down

I know it's April 3rd... You know it's april 3rd... but somehow Mother Nature hasn't clued in yet. It snowed off & on all week- ALL WEEK. I know I should'nt complain, we are not flooded like so many people in the Dakotas, we need the rain, yada yada yada. StILL. I got up this morning, saw the snow & I've been dragging all day. To top it off- spring break has officially begun. More snow expected tomorrow.

*is it just me or does extreme unseasonal snow drive everyone crazy?

off to work

So yesterday there was No School due to the end of term last Friday. I'm all good with that- except for the weather was rough- snow/rain mix all day. Trent didn't care- he was over the top thrilled - because dad had invited him to lunch at his office. This is a rare occurrence & therefore VEry exciting for the big/little guy. He got up & got dressed- I reminded him he needed to look nice at dad's office.

He replied that sometimes he doesn't "do his hair very good"

so we decided he should wear a hat.He took along his NIntendo DS - just in case he got bored.Dad decided it would be a good thing to let Trent come up to his office on his own...? I'm a little over protective- but agreed & dropped him off, watched him walk in, then waited for brett to confirm he made it off the elevator- feewww. I guess I should lighten up?

Trent had so much fun & was so good, he ended up spending the whole afternoon. this was so helpful for me - I finished my quilt & dropped it off at the quilters. (This is thrilling- making a quilt was one of my year goals & here it is only March!!) We used the same system picking him up- He looks so big.

(I don't know why this is sideways? I didn't take it sideways like I usually do-)

My house is TRashED & I am feeling really low.
I am plagued with negative thoughts & overwhelmed with the mess I have created.
Maybe it's the lazy eye taking over--
or the severe wrinkles on my forehead?
Somehow- making a quilt- threw me off my groove.
Oh the price of getting something done.....