one full week

 It's been a week now-

since the first day of school for this guy!

 One of the hardest weeks I can remember in a long time.

I let it get to me.

I spent the summer worrying about a new school, so many changes, jr. high in general, leaving the comfort of the special ed. teachers we know so well. Trent is not your typical kid & definitely not your typical special ed. student, not to me anyway.

I was right. My worries came to life. I tried so hard to prevent it. I called & stopped in & visited & introduced Trent to his new teachers. We went into the special ed. office & tried to communicate what his & our needs were. To PLEASE prep his many teachers about his Aspergers & Tourrette syndrome, OCD etc. I know this all sounds really difficult- but it's not. It's about compassion.

Trent is such a sweetie really. He just has these- quirks. If you know about them it's not that big of a deal & they don't disrupt other kids. Kids are the best- 4 out of 5 times that there is a negative experience it's not from another kid- it's an ignorant adult. 

That's what happened.

A couple of ignorant adults, acted like ignorant adults & I am so disappointed in the whole human race. Okay, okay I do frequently over exaggerate, but still I just couldn't believe it.

 I just can't understand how adults can be so mean?

He was teased into a frenzy, (aspergers kids don't typically understand teasing) called stupid, asked to spell Gullible, told to shut up, stop it, move seats, leave class, staring- people constantly staring- oh gosh. I was so mad. SO MAD

 (p.s. he was not called stupid by a teacher- but yes it was an adult)

Believe it or not- one of his teachers had never ever heard of Tourette syndrome? 

I guess we are over saturated with it here- but still I was surprised that an educator? There are a couple other students at his new charter school with Tourette & many others with Aspergers - sigh.

It's all taken care of now.

I think- it's a new week.

lots of apologies & the special ed. team is very apologetic & frankly they are doing their best.

They have already all fallen for the kid- and I can tell that it's going to get better.

Big sigh.

I cried & cried & visited the school again. 

I blabbed my mouth off about it to anyone who would listen (while sobbing of course.)

I gave a presentation on Tourette syndrome to his math class- the kids were awesome, and now the special ed team has every thing (all paper work & explanations to the teachers- kind of like I asked them to do?) To be fair- these are fantastic ladies!! Just like all other educators- overworked, understaffed & trying their hardest.

Through it all - Trent is so happy.

He has hardly noticed it all. He was really stressed & uncomfortable of course, but he has totally forgotten &  thrilled to go to school- well maybe not thrilled, but he likes it. He loves the uniform, the 4 vending machines (serious OCD over the vending machines! but if he has a good day & turns in all assignments he gets some change for the machine.)

He loves having a locker! 9 different classes & teachers, air conditioning- lunch in the big gym. 

And

He is making friends.

He went there- only knowing one other student (girl in 9th grade) in the whole school.

TRENT YOU ARE SO BRAVE, SO KIND, SUCH A GREAT BOY.

I know it's hard.

I want so bad to take this away & make it all better.

But- I have learned so much this week.

I have learned that-- I can't always protect you. That YOU can do hard thing, but that you need practice at doing hard things. All these experiences will help you become a stronger, happier adult. 

Most of all- I learned that all of these experiences are harder on me than on you.

I'm so glad you are my boy.

all in all- if I could, I still would take it all away. 

nutcracker... year five- what's wrong with me?

Last night was Chloe's first dress rehearsal for the nutcracker.

She was Great!

But, oh boy-- I'm losing it.

Years past I have been so organized- right on track- know what I'm doing... but not this year. I had forgotten to call the other dancers & set up a carpool, didn't know what time she was to be on stage- heck- I just drove her up... and didn't know what we were supposed to be doing?

It's a good thing we ate something before we left!
The Arabians didn't really have time for dinner. We left home at 4:20 & didn't get back until 11:04.
Yikes!
Staging was running behind.
It was a long night but a lot of fun to see her in her element & loving it.

I was chaperoning- one parent has to sign up for two nights of chaperoning. I have chaperoned twice every year since chloe has been involved (except once when megan took my turn- thanks meg- I wish you were here!) but for some reason, I couldn't think of what I was supposed to do.

I will for sure sign up for the first night of rehearsals again. I think I have always been on the second night- the first night the girls get to sit in the audience & watch. It was fun to watch with Chloe. It has been so long since she has seen it- since she is always backstage- she was delighted to watch it & it was fun to see it together. I had forgotten that she hadn't seen it in so long!

{chloe & the other arabians waiting for dress rehearsal to start}

We sat in the front row for the rehearsal & it was so fun to watch the symphony warm up & get together just before they went below.

I took this photo of the sea of girls behind us just before the owner of the ballet company came to ask me very politely but with a lot of frustration to, "PLEASE STOP DOING THAT!" I replied... "stop doing what?"

TAKING FLASH PHOTOGRAPHS!!!

HOLY CRAP!?

how long have I been going to these? what is my problem?

I apologized & said I thought we weren't allowed after it started--- which is all true-- but I know deep down I wasn't supposed to do that? I am so off my game these days.

I'm brain dead I swear. There is just so much on my mind. I have so much to do before Brian gets home & I am all jumbled up in my head.

I was really embarrassed.

At intermission we headed down under to the dressing room to get ready. We shared a small, hot & sticky dressing room with the candy canes. Oh I love these candy cane costumes!

I asked them if I could photograph them just for fun.

Chaperoning Arabians was so easy... maybe- I might get fired. I figured they were old enough to take care of themselves more than years past. They know their way around... I let them check out & in on their own. I mean gee- they are 13-14 ish? I hope I don't get a phone call today, but wouldn't be surprised if I did. Again- I am really embarrassed.

Here's chloe all dressed up!

She is so modest & she was worried what her dad would think of this costume.

He's okay with it... but a little shocked that she is one of the big girls now.

when did that happen?

{Arabians 2009}

I am so happy Chloe is in the nutcracker again this year!

It is such a privilege & so much fun for her.

I am proud of you chloe--- thanks for not being embarrassed of me-- or at least not acting like you were. You are the best!

today is my birthday

Warning: this post may contain my own irrational rantings & emotions.

If you will be upset by them-

if you will call my mother or mother in law about this-

please turn back now. You are not really welcome here.

It is MY birthday & I will cry if I want to.

the end.

Happy Birthday to me

Today I am 42!!

(balloons placed on my doorstep by some wonderful person whom I love with all my heart. I really don't know who it was- but I am so touched & feel so loved, thank you)

I really cannot believe I am forty two...?
Who ever thinks they are going to be forty two...?
I'm not upset by this- it just seems surreal, strange, & weird.
Life is surely at least nearly half way over for me.

This is on my mailbox today!
~I LOVE IT~
Photo by trent-
I didn't want to be arrested for going outside in my pj's without a bra... at least that's what I told trent so he would take the photo ;)
I was so delighted to see it there!!
surely there will be good mail in this box today...
If you don't already know it-
I have birthday anticipation issues.
It's true.
It's ugly.
I don't know why- well I do, somewhat, but I am not willing to share all of the details here- it's not pretty & not characteristic of me. Or at least I like to think it is not characteristic of me.
Anyhow....
because my sweet husband could see that I was getting even worse than usual-
he brought me my birthday present a little early last night!
That's right baby- my own beach comber Schwinn in baby blue!!
I am in love
with both of them.

In honor of my new ride & my looming day
we rode down to my favorite restaurant for dinner.

It was a BLast- in unthinkably perfect, July 80 degree weather.

(real summer comes this weekend with temps reaching 100+)

If every summer had weather this perfect- more people would want to live here.

(another photo by t)

We sat on the porch until way after dark & discussed my need for birthday recognition, my fears of being forgotten, why we do the things we do, why we don't do the things we don't do... it was healing for me to just talk & for him to just listen.
Thank you sweetheart for being there for me.

listening & not fixing

I needed that & today I am feeling a lot better.

Now I am going to go put a bra on so trent & I can ride around the neighborhood before it gets too hot & before the blogger moms come to pick me up for a birthday lunch!!

mt. timpanogas cave

My husband loves to hike.

I don't.

But, I'm a pretty good sport.

For 13 years we have lived here in the great state of Utah...

and we have always said-- we were going to hike up to the Mt. Timpanogas cave, but haven't gotten around to it. In honor of living a "more meaningful life,"we decided to go Friday morning.
Brett took the day off work, we packed a lunch & headed out early. The tickets to the cave sell out early, so the internet says... plus it was going to be a hot day. Everyone needed a jacket- it's only 43 degrees year round in the cave & the tour of the cave lasts about an hour. Most of us preferred to tie a jacket around our waist... others wore theirs with the hood on, the whole entire trip just to annoy the heck out of their mothers-geez louiz, child?

Before leaving Brett searched the internet for a cub scout patch to earn at Mt. Timpanogas National Monument- no luck- but when we got there to get tickets we asked & sure enough-- there was a patch. On the list of requirements it said the scout needed to watch the 17 minute movie about the monument before leaving on the hike- so we did--
and this is where I should have stopped myself...
Watching the informative little movie got me thinking.
Hmm-- 1 1/2 mile hike, 1065 ft. up...
to a cave...?
That little voice inside me said, "I'm not sure this trip is for you?"
I didn't want to spook the kids,
I knew Brett was really excited about this hike...
I didn't say a word.

We found a delightful little picnic spot across the road & ate our lunch. Trent picked up some garbage as part of the patch earning process. It was stunningly beautiful!
The smell of the pine trees was intoxicating & reminded me of the many camping days of my youth. I loved, loved, loved camping as a girl in the mountains of WA state! Loved it.
This was going to be fun!

We started up the trail with many other families. Families with little kids running up the trail with enthusiasm, moms with babies in backpacks (so cute.) I said to Brett- I should bring all of my scouts here! What a great trip! What a great patch! We were amazed & couldn't believe we hadn't been here before this- what a shame- 13 years & we hadn't hiked this trail yet?!

It was a little steep, but so beautiful, not hot yet & it was just great to be out together.

Then
it started.
To get steep.

I learned something about myself - fast-
I don't like kids. running. near. cliffs.
I don't like me. being. near. cliffs. at. all.
or hiking. or being outside. or nature that has to do with views from up really high.

signs like this one-
did not make me feel any better.

I started saying things like,
"DON'T WALK NEXT TO THE EDGE."
"STAY TO THE LEFT"
I started sweating- profusely.
My heart was pounding.
It left it's regular spot in my chest & settled in my throat.
I was getting dizzy.

"Look at that view of the valley!" brett kept saying...
"isn't this gorgeous," brett kept saying... then
"we can walk slower, do you need a drink of water?"
"kids, let's stop & let mom rest for a bit."
I wasn't doing too good.
Not to worry--- we had been walking forever, maybe we were getting close?
or maybe we had been walking for 15 minutes & were only 1/4 of the way up- that was it.


Even though we were walking up hill-
I was going down hill... mentally & physically.
I made it a little over 1/2 way up. I really wanted to go, but it wasn't going to happen.
I could tell that Brett was disappointed with me, but didn't want to be. He married a wimp. Those other families with their little ones walking, running & laughing up a steep mountain... were making me insane. CHILDREN SHOULD NOT WALK NEAR CLIFFS - ESPECIALLY AHEAD OF THEIR PARENTS ALONE. I felt very strongly about this & found myself having to look away when others were near us. I started clinging to the side of the mountain & then hyperventilating. I stopped taking photos. As we turned a corner I looked up- way up- and there were people still walking the trail.
I started to cry.
I could hardly breath.
I thought I might throw up.
It was over.
The rest of the family went on without me.
I sat on a bench for what felt like a long time.
I wondered if I should try to catch up? no.
I started down the mountain & knew I had made the right decision. If walking up the mountain was a scary view... just think about how scared I was walking down- it was a much more vivid view of DOWNness. I clung next to the mountain wall as I shuffled down. As people came near me I tried to appear normal & sane & not to breath too heavy. Someone asked me if I liked the cave?- they must have assumed- I made it & was on my way down.
"oh ya- it's great." I kept slithering down & met a park ranger. He told me- (in between asking me if I was okay) that cave made him claustrophobic... so his favorite thing to do was to walk the trail- ya I made the right choice. What was I thinking? I am so claustrophobic- SERIOUSLy what was I thinking? I guess I was thinking there would be railings & a big huge cave room that you would walk into, look around & leave. Nope.
I kept telling myself- I'm good at lots of things... really I am. I'm not an idiot, no, not at all.
It wasn't my best day.

here are some of the photos from the cave.

THEY made it!

They loved it!

After leaving the cave Trent signed the book- therefore ensuring he earned the patch.

It was beautiful, tight at times & so cool inside!

The breathtaking view on the way back down.

they even saw a baby squirrel.

Awe, nature...

it's a glorious thing.

Trent will be receiving the Utah National Monument Patch at the next pack meeting.

I will not be returning with the other Bear scouts, or ever for that matter. I did calm down before they made it down a couple of hours later. Luckily the snack bar had diet pepsi - that'll do in an emergency- I brought a book. It took about an hour, but I calmed down & was so happy to see them when they got back about 2 1/2 hours later.

We were all exhausted.

I learned a lot about myself this day.

Some things are good to know.

I mean about myself.

So- you know- I don't do that kind of thing... again. EVer....

anticipation

I'm not proud to say...

there are two things I have been dreading all spring & all summer.

They were both accomplished yesterday & today-

and ya- the anticipation- was much, much worse than the actual task!

First: was painting the deck.

Jack did most of the work.

Hailey, Chloe & Trent helped (really helped a lot)

& half way through I escaped into the laundry/sewing room to work on a project.

I am such a heat wimp.

Trent kept saying, "this is so great- us all painting together."
I knew I had to go inside when I was getting overly crabby hearing him say that.
Heat, the wrong paint (it worked out, but still I bought the wrong stuff at $30 a gallon),
teenagers, dogs who couldn't go outside...

It wasn't that bad for me- more for jack- but still. I hate/love this deck.


Second: Cub Scout Day Camp.
Oh boy.
I have tried really hard to be a good sport about cub scouting.
But--- day camp.
oh man, oh my goodness
Anticipation of the 7:30 AM leave time
just about put me over the edge.
You won't believe it- It really wasn't that bad!
I have successfully gotten out of going (I don't know how?)
for years- Frankly- it was my turn.
I can't believe I didn't go before- it was fun- seriously.

We went to Camp Frontier which was lead by a bunch

of great kids.

We learned about the gold rush, panned for gold (even got some ;), learned about endangered species, made Indian headbands with feathers, tied knots, played games, ate lunch, sang songs, watched some painful skits- the boys laughed their heads off, we learned flag etiquette, shot BB guns, ran an obstacle course--- on & on.

I just watched
How bad is that?

I have been anticipating these things for so long, making it worse than it really was. Now it's over & hey- not too shabby! Do you ever do this, anticipate something so much that you make yourself miserable? Unfortunately- I do it all the time.