a birthday post-

Last week was my 47th birthday!

I hate to be all downer about it....

but I am kind of a big fat baby when it comes to my birthday.

I anticipate it for at least a week, usually longer.

 I get all weepy & start feeling sorry for myself. 

Next- I wonder why I am alive in the first place & if anyone loves me or ever has?

I imagine the worst possible thing happening... nobody remembering me.

 I contemplate it for days & wonder if I should go away on a trip so I won't be so disappointed and

 regret all of my life choices thus far.... 

I really do all of this.

every. year.

I feel so bad for my sweet husband.

 He has to live through this year- after year- after year.

It's ridiculous- I'm not proud- It's ugly- I'm starting therapy next month

(just keepin' it real.)

Maybe by now you have guessed that I have had a few rough birthdays?

WELL NOt This YEAR BabY!

Balloons on my mailbox- who did that?

 I want to kiss your face.

 I cried.

My mom called me first thing in the morning & let me pick out two books on Amazon that she sent out that day. I love them- they are here. Thanks mom. I love that you did that.

Karen & I went to lunch- I picked this place & it was wonderful & I love Karen.

 Thank you so much!

I came home to a present in the mail!

 Jill- you amaze me with your thoughtfulness & creativity!

Thank you!

Lisa left this on my doorstep & she didn't even have to do that?!

The "blogger moms" are having a real birthday party for me this week-

 lots of them were out of town last week.

Then- I was so lucky to get to meet up with ALL OF THESE CUTIES for a dinner I didn't even make!

I LOVED MY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR

Pre-dinner show of cuteness brought to you by:

Joey & Finn above- Charlie & Crew below

Peter was just plain cute. period.

We ate at probably my favorite place to eat downtown.

Did I mention it was such a great day?

 I even had help blowing out the candle on my dessert!

After dinner the kids & Brett were so great to give me all of these thoughtful gifts.

Tears, more tears-- such very thoughtful gifts- really.

The kids made a list of 47 things they love about mom...

 I read it out loud. 

Brett made me a list of the: Top Ten Reasons He is Glad He Married me

The kids read them out loud.

And I needed it.

I really did.

It's been a hard year of doubt, worry, weight gain, wondering if it is all my fault, asking myself over & over & over if I was good enough? If any of my life was good enough? 

I don't write this for you to feel sad for me or even to prove that I'm a brat

 - because really my life is awesome-

 or for people to leave comments.

I just want anyone out there who is reading (especially my future self & children) that

 sometimes life is just hard like that.

 And- sometimes it stays hard for a good long while,

 so you press on, and on, then wonder if it's worth it? 

And the answer is:

YES

It is worth it

I am worth it and so are YOU.

yesterday PLUS an announcement

I got up & got a bunch of chores done yesterday morning...

lots & lots

and

it felt good.

(the hallway inside the garage door)

As I walked through my house in the morning light, I was struck by how much I love this house. It's far from perfect & needs a lot of work- in so many areas...

But it is my dream home. It looks like me & Brett, it's has my personality all over it.

It says family to me.

 Ya- I like it here.

***

I headed down to the hospital to pick up Chloe.

I had permission to take her off grounds for the whole day 12-8:00 PM- Woo Hoo!

We headed straight to lunch at Stan's! 

Gyros & Cheeseburgers with onion ring & fries.

 Oh man- that beats hospital food any day.

(Wende sent Chloe a big pack of sharpies because she knows how much she loves them, she isn't allowed to keep them there so I put them in her room when I got home.)

I had a package for Chloe 

(I usually do)

Full of little things she needed from home AND gifts from kind people-

 kind people that I love more than anything in the world.

 So many people have sent me down with little things for her!

I have never once asked- they just do.

I appreciate them & hope that angels bless them & their posterity forever more.

Is there anything better in the world than someone doing something kind?

Not something huge - just something kind.

Something thoughtful and kind and- for my sick child?

(tears)

People are so good.

A sweet family in our congregation -Hi Jennifer- sent a big envelope full of art work from everyone (she has six beautiful children) for her room! Each child & both parents made all these darling things for her.

 Pictures & jewelry... SHE LOVED THEM! Just loved them! She can't keep the jewelry but it is here for when she gets home. People send her quotes & letters & things to hang up in her room- nice.

We had so much fun eating lunch & going through these things and- just being together.

When Megan was just a tiny baby- we lived less than a block from this little drive in, Stan's. We were very poor college students. Every Monday Brett would head over there with our leftover change and wait in a very long line. Monday nights they had 1/2 price ice cream... good memories.

We headed to Target- then the mall

And found lots of cute things on sale for school etc. 

It was such a GREAT day. Really, really good day.

Brett & Trent came down & met us- Plus these two cuties for dinner!

Are they cute or what?!

This is Jack's sweetheart Emily. 

THEN

it happened.

All Hell Broke Loose

-oh boy-

The restaurant was crowded, Trent was overly excited, there were so many choices on the menu, he started throwing baby fits. Then the baby fits got bigger.

 Chloe started to tic. I started getting upset, Brett was calm.

I was so very embarrassed with Jack's girlfriend there. (So embarrassed, really.)

 Then it escalated to the point Brett had to take him out to the car and go home.

 sigh- it's been a long time- since we've had an episode like this. 

I apologized to the waitress & servers & Emily & tried to blame the autism, teenage hormones, whatever? 

It was rough.

(we both got new shoes)

We finished up our dinner & headed to a different mall- crazy I know!?

We only had one hour - so we had to make it quick.

While Chloe was mesmerized by the make up counter, I headed upstairs in JCPenney.

I went up the escalator & gasped out loud (for real) as I walked in on this display!

It's been YEARS since I've been in a JCPenneys- I was so impressed!

Chloe tried on lots of make up- she loves it & for sure doesn't need it.

 Isn't that how it goes, when your young & don't need it you always want to wear it... now I need it & I sometimes forget to even put it on! I don't want to - but now & then I go out in public & there I am-

 one eye with mascara on the other forgotten-- and I think Trent can be embarrassing!?

Then it was time.

 I dropped her off. Again.

And started my long, one hour, cry fest-- home.

Back to the house that I love.

I love it much more with my sweet Chloe in it.

It's really not the house, but the people who live in it & have grown up in it.

I don't write much about her illness because it is intensely private. I don't want to make anything harder for her than it already is. I love her. I love all of my children & never want them to suffer.

Thank you for praying for her & us.

I love it when people tell me their children pray for her.

 Those are my happiest moments, knowing that children pray for her. 

How could Heavenly Father not hear the prayer of a child? 

Speaking of children 

Here are a couple of cuties and an announcement - if you haven't already heard.

 (Finn in front- Crew in back)

Dear Heavenly Father -

Please bless the children & the grandchildren- all five of them!

just a few things & some BIG news

This week was Charlie's third birthday.

3

HOW FUN IS THAT?!

He got the talking Elmo birthday card & super hero cape I sent

and here he is showing off his muscles.

Meg says the employees at Chick fil A (his birthday choice) were loving this.

Megan is so sweet to send us pictures nearly everyday.

It really makes me happy.

Thank goodness for modern technology & IPhones!

I LOVE this picture- What fun!

The BIG news?

Look who got her drivers license!!!!

YES

Chloe is legally driving all over town.

driving independence at 16 = happiness

Hailey & I made a quick trip to Costco this week & I couldn't help noticing that it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. 

Look at this Lava Seat-- I have regretted not get seat warmers in my car... ha!

The Lava Seat to the rescue!!

We found some belts just Jack's size-- about 18 "-- do you think they would let us buy the sample belts?

Jack & I met with his travel doctor up at the U of U this week & that kid is so skinny! He again has lost more weight... their are for sure no more parasites & after one more test we are headed to a G.I. and a Neurologist. For his stomach & headache issues.

Back to Costco- For about 2 minutes I thought about going on a diet when I saw this dress.

And LOOK at this child's size leather recliner- don't you think the twins & Megan's boys need these?

I gotta admit-- seeing this scene in Costco made me long for Christmas when the kids were little. So much fun & so easy to please. I can't help it, I have to look & peruse through all the Christmas toys.

 It's just for fun. 

what's up?

This week:

Brett texted me this picture from Caroline's surprise party in July- so cute!

Charlie got his Halloween costume!

Ruthie, the peanut & I went to Gardner Village.

We shopped & had lunch & the weather was perfect.

Plus it's all decorated up for Halloween!

I found this sign & I LOVE IT- so so funny!

But- really- could you put this in our house, or place of business?

Can you imagine this in at your Vet's office- hilarious!

The Peanut sat by a witch!

He was very brave- 

Brett & I visited on the porch- 

have I told you the weather is perfect right now?

BEcAUse it is!

Chloe was very brave & kind of crazy....

in her asking a date to the girl's choice 

~ Harvest Dance ~

coming the end of the month.

The guy--

he said YES!

So then, who really is the brave one?

Chloe- she is so funny!