a birthday post-

Last week was my 47th birthday!

I hate to be all downer about it....

but I am kind of a big fat baby when it comes to my birthday.

I anticipate it for at least a week, usually longer.

 I get all weepy & start feeling sorry for myself. 

Next- I wonder why I am alive in the first place & if anyone loves me or ever has?

I imagine the worst possible thing happening... nobody remembering me.

 I contemplate it for days & wonder if I should go away on a trip so I won't be so disappointed and

 regret all of my life choices thus far.... 

I really do all of this.

every. year.

I feel so bad for my sweet husband.

 He has to live through this year- after year- after year.

It's ridiculous- I'm not proud- It's ugly- I'm starting therapy next month

(just keepin' it real.)

Maybe by now you have guessed that I have had a few rough birthdays?

WELL NOt This YEAR BabY!

Balloons on my mailbox- who did that?

 I want to kiss your face.

 I cried.

My mom called me first thing in the morning & let me pick out two books on Amazon that she sent out that day. I love them- they are here. Thanks mom. I love that you did that.

Karen & I went to lunch- I picked this place & it was wonderful & I love Karen.

 Thank you so much!

I came home to a present in the mail!

 Jill- you amaze me with your thoughtfulness & creativity!

Thank you!

Lisa left this on my doorstep & she didn't even have to do that?!

The "blogger moms" are having a real birthday party for me this week-

 lots of them were out of town last week.

Then- I was so lucky to get to meet up with ALL OF THESE CUTIES for a dinner I didn't even make!

I LOVED MY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR

Pre-dinner show of cuteness brought to you by:

Joey & Finn above- Charlie & Crew below

Peter was just plain cute. period.

We ate at probably my favorite place to eat downtown.

Did I mention it was such a great day?

 I even had help blowing out the candle on my dessert!

After dinner the kids & Brett were so great to give me all of these thoughtful gifts.

Tears, more tears-- such very thoughtful gifts- really.

The kids made a list of 47 things they love about mom...

 I read it out loud. 

Brett made me a list of the: Top Ten Reasons He is Glad He Married me

The kids read them out loud.

And I needed it.

I really did.

It's been a hard year of doubt, worry, weight gain, wondering if it is all my fault, asking myself over & over & over if I was good enough? If any of my life was good enough? 

I don't write this for you to feel sad for me or even to prove that I'm a brat

 - because really my life is awesome-

 or for people to leave comments.

I just want anyone out there who is reading (especially my future self & children) that

 sometimes life is just hard like that.

 And- sometimes it stays hard for a good long while,

 so you press on, and on, then wonder if it's worth it? 

And the answer is:

YES

It is worth it

I am worth it and so are YOU.

zoo days

It's no secret that if you know me...

You know I LOVE a trip to the zoo.

I have fond memories of walking to the The Woodland Park Zoo with my cousins- no adults- when I was a kid. Can you even believe that? In the winter (if I remember right?) the admission was free. We would wander around & one time we even got to feed the elephants peanuts by hand. It is a sweet memory for me. It's amazing how much the world has changed.

This year for the first time in over a decade- we bought a zoo pass again!

I am so excited about it.

When we first moved to Utah 18 years ago I bought a zoo pass & was so- very- disappointed.

We had a zoo pass when we lived in Washington & Denver-- great zoos.

Utah's Hogle Zoo was in deep need of improvements

GUESS WHAT?

They have done it--- it's so good now!

They have truly done a fantastic job with the remodel.

 It's been a long time coming & it is fantastic.

 I really mean that- and I am a tough zoo critic.

(first up-- a ride on the train of course- these boys were so excited)

Two weeks ago we met up with Megan & the boys & had the best time!

We had so much fun- later in the week after running errands in Salt Lake City- Chloe, Trent & I went again! Just to see some things we missed & go to the bird show. Loved it. It's so nice to have a pass & no pressure about seeing everything etc.

Most of the animals were out - they have improved the habitats so much it was great.

The carousel was an absolute joy.

Just look at this face!

He was beaming the whole time, loved it. 

There are fun little water areas & statues to climb on- 

we had a blast.

As we were getting ready to leave we spied the rhinoceroses eating just outside a little secret underground window. It was awesome.

I'm looking forward to going more this year.

It's a good thing.

It's a good year.

yesterday PLUS an announcement

I got up & got a bunch of chores done yesterday morning...

lots & lots

and

it felt good.

(the hallway inside the garage door)

As I walked through my house in the morning light, I was struck by how much I love this house. It's far from perfect & needs a lot of work- in so many areas...

But it is my dream home. It looks like me & Brett, it's has my personality all over it.

It says family to me.

 Ya- I like it here.

***

I headed down to the hospital to pick up Chloe.

I had permission to take her off grounds for the whole day 12-8:00 PM- Woo Hoo!

We headed straight to lunch at Stan's! 

Gyros & Cheeseburgers with onion ring & fries.

 Oh man- that beats hospital food any day.

(Wende sent Chloe a big pack of sharpies because she knows how much she loves them, she isn't allowed to keep them there so I put them in her room when I got home.)

I had a package for Chloe 

(I usually do)

Full of little things she needed from home AND gifts from kind people-

 kind people that I love more than anything in the world.

 So many people have sent me down with little things for her!

I have never once asked- they just do.

I appreciate them & hope that angels bless them & their posterity forever more.

Is there anything better in the world than someone doing something kind?

Not something huge - just something kind.

Something thoughtful and kind and- for my sick child?

(tears)

People are so good.

A sweet family in our congregation -Hi Jennifer- sent a big envelope full of art work from everyone (she has six beautiful children) for her room! Each child & both parents made all these darling things for her.

 Pictures & jewelry... SHE LOVED THEM! Just loved them! She can't keep the jewelry but it is here for when she gets home. People send her quotes & letters & things to hang up in her room- nice.

We had so much fun eating lunch & going through these things and- just being together.

When Megan was just a tiny baby- we lived less than a block from this little drive in, Stan's. We were very poor college students. Every Monday Brett would head over there with our leftover change and wait in a very long line. Monday nights they had 1/2 price ice cream... good memories.

We headed to Target- then the mall

And found lots of cute things on sale for school etc. 

It was such a GREAT day. Really, really good day.

Brett & Trent came down & met us- Plus these two cuties for dinner!

Are they cute or what?!

This is Jack's sweetheart Emily. 

THEN

it happened.

All Hell Broke Loose

-oh boy-

The restaurant was crowded, Trent was overly excited, there were so many choices on the menu, he started throwing baby fits. Then the baby fits got bigger.

 Chloe started to tic. I started getting upset, Brett was calm.

I was so very embarrassed with Jack's girlfriend there. (So embarrassed, really.)

 Then it escalated to the point Brett had to take him out to the car and go home.

 sigh- it's been a long time- since we've had an episode like this. 

I apologized to the waitress & servers & Emily & tried to blame the autism, teenage hormones, whatever? 

It was rough.

(we both got new shoes)

We finished up our dinner & headed to a different mall- crazy I know!?

We only had one hour - so we had to make it quick.

While Chloe was mesmerized by the make up counter, I headed upstairs in JCPenney.

I went up the escalator & gasped out loud (for real) as I walked in on this display!

It's been YEARS since I've been in a JCPenneys- I was so impressed!

Chloe tried on lots of make up- she loves it & for sure doesn't need it.

 Isn't that how it goes, when your young & don't need it you always want to wear it... now I need it & I sometimes forget to even put it on! I don't want to - but now & then I go out in public & there I am-

 one eye with mascara on the other forgotten-- and I think Trent can be embarrassing!?

Then it was time.

 I dropped her off. Again.

And started my long, one hour, cry fest-- home.

Back to the house that I love.

I love it much more with my sweet Chloe in it.

It's really not the house, but the people who live in it & have grown up in it.

I don't write much about her illness because it is intensely private. I don't want to make anything harder for her than it already is. I love her. I love all of my children & never want them to suffer.

Thank you for praying for her & us.

I love it when people tell me their children pray for her.

 Those are my happiest moments, knowing that children pray for her. 

How could Heavenly Father not hear the prayer of a child? 

Speaking of children 

Here are a couple of cuties and an announcement - if you haven't already heard.

 (Finn in front- Crew in back)

Dear Heavenly Father -

Please bless the children & the grandchildren- all five of them!

2 days 2 celebrate

Last week was my 46th birthday!

side note:

With all the hard things (is there ever easy things?) 

going on this past year I have completely failed my New Year's Resolution of sending out birthday cards to everyone I love.... excuses, excuses.

 But- let me just say Happy Birthday to my fellow July born friends.

Jane (we share the same birthday), My sister Johnna, Jake the missionary, Jill, Sky, Steph my oldest friend, Lynnie my SIL, Braden & Sarah- Ruthie's kids, and my dear Caroline-- Did I forget you? Leave me a message & I will repent immediately. Yes- next year I will try again.

I was very blessed by getting to celebrate on 2 separate days! But I am also very cursed with terrible pictures. I didn't document the time well.... to say the least. It's ridiculous the pictures I didn't take. 

So please forgive me (older self) as I share this special occasion with lousy photos. Hopefully the journaling itself- will make up for it?

Celebration #1- has nothing much to do with Twinkies- I was in the store & saw them on my birthday though- so thanks Hostess. I appreciate that.

What a HUGE treat- all of my kids- ALL OF THEM- were together with me to celebrate the day before my birthday! I can't even think of the last time that happened? It was a Sunday so it worked out that everyone could be there. We all met up at Megan's new home for lunch after (most of us) went to church with Chloe.

We had fun times playing with the twins.

Chloe hasn't seen the twins for almost 2 months and they have grown tremendously since then!

Brittany came down too- life just doesn't seem right now if Brittany's not around.

Charlie & Joey are so happy to have all their things unpacked-

Charlie especially loves the costumes. Oh it cracks me up!

He changes about every 15 minutes from tiger, to pirate, to monkey... so fun.

We had beef tacos for dinner with guacamole & watermelon. 

It was fabulous.

(sorry about the eating pictures guys)

Then we had chocolate fondue!

YUM

It is really fun and exciting to have all of my kids close enough to get together as a family!

We are starting to plan- once month Sunday dinners & I am thrilled about it. 

Surely we will get together more than that? But as schedules start to fill with Fall coming- I know we will at least have a once a month dinner at Nana's house- I could not ask for a better birthday present than that.

It is truly the greatest gift I have ever been given- to have six beautiful children and to have them close enough to get together as adults, with their amazing families. I try not to gush around here on this blog too much. I think I keep it real most of the time... But really even though we have our share of problems & issues that are difficult... and most of the time I feel like there is nothing to brag about...

 We are going to be getting together for dinner at least once a month and for me that = happiness.

***

Celebration #2

Everyone knows- I am lucky to have this group of friends that get together most Wednesdays. 

We also get together & celebrate each other's birthdays. On the actual day- That's a big thing for us. When possible we get together on the. actual. birth. day. It means something.

OH MY GOSH-

it was so great- 

just so fun.

Did I mention, it was great to get together with my sweet friends on my birthday?

 Cause it was.

We had salads & fresh corn (picked THAT morning) for lunch!

and dessert!

I have to say- I think this was the best dessert I've ever had on my birthday.

Actually it was the best meal overall I've ever had on my actual birthday.

 Thanks everyone for all the good food & presents!

They planned my lunch party around a red, white, and blue theme because of my love for the 4th of July & it's July... it was so fun! All of the many presents were coordinating- ladies you guys are amazing!

I am especially loving this gigantic chalk board I hung on the laundry room door.

Trent & I are having fun switching up decorating it with chalk.

That night-

Brett brought home balloons & pizza.

It's pretty quiet around here now.

Brett & Trent had other plans, mostly work 

so Brittany & I headed to a new store at Farmington Station that I am in LOVE with.

It's Sugar

What a fun place.

I was in heaven, yet overwhelmed at the same time-

Kind of like one of those candy stores in NYC.

Just fun to be in!

It was a GREAT couple of days.

I'm happy to have the privilege to be one year older.

And do have so many candy options so close.

(wink - wink)