mom messer

(This is one of the last good pictures we took of mom- here we are out to dinner for Chloe's graduation.)

My sweet mother in law Marilyn passed away last November just before Thanksgiving.

It had been a long hard battle for her with Alzheimer's.

Alzheimer's is a cruel disease.

(Windmills on our drive to Wyoming)

Because of the Thanksgiving holiday we didn't have her funeral until a couple weeks after. We wanted as many friends & family who could- to come. 

Brett & I were very blessed that all of our children & grandchildren could make it. 

Grandma Messer was their- long term babysitter- for any major event or occasion when Brett & I went out of town while they were growing up. She watched the kids several times for us & they have many, many memories of her & of her home. This is their line up of mailboxes - just down the lane from their house. 

It's such a beautiful sight- especially after a long drive.

It was December & we were really worried about the weather - but I'm sure she was up there making deals with the head weather man. The weather was perfect & everyone made it safely. 

She had a beautiful service.

Her kids spoke. Megan & Hailey sang.

She looked beautiful.

She was fiercely loyal & proud of her children & grandchildren.

I'm sure she was so happy to have these boys be her pallbearers. 

I don't even really have words.

(All six of my children.)

Six of her many grandchildren.

She was easy to love.

This picture is taken just a few steps away from her grave site. 

A nice view of the mountains. 

Deer visit often & frequently eat the flowers Grandpa leaves for her weekly & checks on daily. 

She is missed 

It's times like this that I am more than grateful for my knowledge that

 He Lives.

 Because of Jesus Christ and His Great Atonement.

 I will see her again- and it will be a joyous reunion.

I Believe

a year off~

I took a YEAR off of blogging.

 A whole year. 

Why? 

It has been a long, hard, couple of years... or more than a couple.

Last year life in our home started to get better- then I started to fall apart.

 I started therapy, specifically with one of Chloe's therapists, (so that I wouldn't have to hash over her story & others- it's so hard to believe- that I didn't want to spend weeks working on just telling what happened to all of us.)

I went weekly, then bi-weekly, then once every three weeks.... I did that from August through December. I then decided to stop & see how I did. I did okay- had a few really rough spots- but I am good. I am really good for now. 

I am sad I quit blogging because a lot of GREAT things & hard things happened and are missed here. I am glad I quit blogging because for a while my attitude & outlook were a bit out of wack. It was good to get some help & take some time.

Now- 

The year is up & I have so much to catch up on!

1. My sweet mother in law passed away last November after a long battle with Alzheimer's. I was asked not to blog about it- in fear that she would read it. It was a long, sad journey.

2. In December Jack got married to the most darling girl named Dolly! Jack & Dolly- they sound like a couple from the 50's. She is so good for him & is helping him try to stay on top of his health issues. I feel a great sense of relief having her in our lives. I love her. In April he graduated from BYU.

3. Hailey went to Ecuador for 4 months to work in the same orphanage Megan worked in 9 years ago! She just got home last Saturday. It was a great adventure & definitely life changing.

4. My son Trent- he is growing! He is nearly taller than his dad, turns 16 in less than a month, and is learning to drive.... EEEK!

5. My grand sons! They are getting so big. They are absolute joy, happiness & have given me more joy than I even thought possible.

6. Chloe-- YES CHLOE- is engaged! She is getting married on August 15, 2015. So yes we are busy getting that ready. 

But- for today

I am back- and I hope after this year I am better version of myself.

I look forward to writing & catching up.

I love this blog & hope to publish it someday as my personal history. Even though - it's just one version of my history- (it's the sweetened less honest version, but there's still a lot here)

I hope this attempt to start up again is not a fail!

a birthday post-

Last week was my 47th birthday!

I hate to be all downer about it....

but I am kind of a big fat baby when it comes to my birthday.

I anticipate it for at least a week, usually longer.

 I get all weepy & start feeling sorry for myself. 

Next- I wonder why I am alive in the first place & if anyone loves me or ever has?

I imagine the worst possible thing happening... nobody remembering me.

 I contemplate it for days & wonder if I should go away on a trip so I won't be so disappointed and

 regret all of my life choices thus far.... 

I really do all of this.

every. year.

I feel so bad for my sweet husband.

 He has to live through this year- after year- after year.

It's ridiculous- I'm not proud- It's ugly- I'm starting therapy next month

(just keepin' it real.)

Maybe by now you have guessed that I have had a few rough birthdays?

WELL NOt This YEAR BabY!

Balloons on my mailbox- who did that?

 I want to kiss your face.

 I cried.

My mom called me first thing in the morning & let me pick out two books on Amazon that she sent out that day. I love them- they are here. Thanks mom. I love that you did that.

Karen & I went to lunch- I picked this place & it was wonderful & I love Karen.

 Thank you so much!

I came home to a present in the mail!

 Jill- you amaze me with your thoughtfulness & creativity!

Thank you!

Lisa left this on my doorstep & she didn't even have to do that?!

The "blogger moms" are having a real birthday party for me this week-

 lots of them were out of town last week.

Then- I was so lucky to get to meet up with ALL OF THESE CUTIES for a dinner I didn't even make!

I LOVED MY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR

Pre-dinner show of cuteness brought to you by:

Joey & Finn above- Charlie & Crew below

Peter was just plain cute. period.

We ate at probably my favorite place to eat downtown.

Did I mention it was such a great day?

 I even had help blowing out the candle on my dessert!

After dinner the kids & Brett were so great to give me all of these thoughtful gifts.

Tears, more tears-- such very thoughtful gifts- really.

The kids made a list of 47 things they love about mom...

 I read it out loud. 

Brett made me a list of the: Top Ten Reasons He is Glad He Married me

The kids read them out loud.

And I needed it.

I really did.

It's been a hard year of doubt, worry, weight gain, wondering if it is all my fault, asking myself over & over & over if I was good enough? If any of my life was good enough? 

I don't write this for you to feel sad for me or even to prove that I'm a brat

 - because really my life is awesome-

 or for people to leave comments.

I just want anyone out there who is reading (especially my future self & children) that

 sometimes life is just hard like that.

 And- sometimes it stays hard for a good long while,

 so you press on, and on, then wonder if it's worth it? 

And the answer is:

YES

It is worth it

I am worth it and so are YOU.

Independence Day 2014

This year the 4th of July was so much fun!

I realized afterward.... 

I didn't get good pictures- I think because I was having fun with the kids? At least that's my excuse.

Let's just start off by saying... 

it was HOT.

so hot

The hottest day of the year so far- of course. I mean it was the 4th of July!?

On the 3rd- we met up for our traditional picnic & concert at the park, then fireworks.

The last two years it's been so hot we have opted to stay home to eat in the backyard since we have so many darling kiddos around now. In fact- this was the first year in 7 full years- that all of our kids were home for the 4th. We also had Brittany, Aimee & Sean & their kids, & Wende, Allie & Ethan. What fun!

One of my favorite things from being a kid was lighting these "snakes." 

I put together bags for all of the kids full of bubbles & candy & pop its, etc-

plus got them each a box of snakes.

Jack & Sean helped us light them off & they loved them!

We had lots of snakes-

It was so fun to see the kids excitement as the lit & grew-

Finn & Crew were too little to appreciate the snakes- but they have discovered watermelon. 

Finn here was covered in it & they needed a bath.

We headed to the park to listen to the concert & watch fireworks.

Megan snagged this great parking spot!

It was perfect because it was between two cars - the park was packed- so it was kind of a natural holding place for the kids, we all had a great view for the fireworks and didn't have to worry so much about anyone running off.

For most of these kiddos - it was their first year staying up late enough to see the fireworks!

Big Time Excitement

It was hot & humid -

so Brett (being a genius) went home, pulled a box of otter pops out of the freezer & brought them over.

 I don't think an otter pop ever tasted so good?

 The next morning we were up bright & early enough to sweat it out at our small town parade.

The next morning we were up bright & early enough to sweat it out at our small town parade.

The kids were loving the candy being thrown out- especially Lola.

But Joey- he wouldn't have any part of the salt water taffy- he is way too smart for that.

He was totally snubbing it. Someone came through handing out chocolates & he lit right up.

 Loved the chocolate- didn't want the taffy. Ha- he just cracks me up!

Joey saw spider man & was thrilled.

Brett ran him over & he got to hug him- but I didn't get my camera out in time!

Poor Peter was sleeping away until a piece of taffy hit him smack in the head-

Of course he's an absolute doll & handled it just fine.

Finn wanted to be in the parade--

(crew left- finn right)

Besides all being together, my favorite part of the parade this year was watching Lola get excited about the candy & Cole hugging all the characters who walked by. It was the. cutest. thing. ever.

We came home & cooled off in the kiddie pool.

It is so great to watch my Charlie growing up-

he is so big now. I just can't believe how fast he is growing. He is going to be 5 this fall.

He is such a great kid- Megan & Tony are wonderful parents, which makes it a pleasure to be a grandparent.

 These two monkeys have pretty cool parents too-

We spent the day recovering from the heat & eating leftovers from the night before. As it got dark it was strange that just Brett, Trent & I were home alone. 

It was a good opportunity for us to let Trent be in charge of the fireworks that we had bought. It was also a lesson in patience.... Trent would light a match while standing up, then slowly bend down to light a firework. The match would go out- then he would start again. Brett kept trying to teach him how to do it - it was almost funny. It took about 10 matches per firework.

 Thankfully we had nothing going on so it was a great learning/practice time. 

Not having his older brothers there gave him the chance to be in charge. 

Plus the neighborhood was shooting off fireworks all around us.

Speaking of getting big & older...

Trent turns 15 next month! 

ah- it's a great life