Christmas came & went-
The ticking got a little better, but the depression grew worse.
Chloe couldn't go back to school like that & started doing some school from home with help from a liaison sent from the High School. Just after that we met with her tourette/OCD specialist, who confirmed it was time- time to admit Chloe into an adolescent, psychiatric ward. She had made plans.
Plans to end it all.
We took her straight over- and it was one of the most difficult experiences of my life.
Before Thanksgiving- I had started a big project.
Turning Hailey's room into a guest room.
Come winter- it was not getting done with everything else going on.
So- these two sweet friends came over one day & just like that- the bedroom was painted.
The world is FULL of wonderful people!
I am lucky because I know a lot of them.
Words cannot express my relief to get this done.
It's was a very long winter.
Chloe was in & out of the hospital - then started going to school there in an outpatient program.
Did you know that if a person gets extremely depressed they can have psychotic symptoms?
I didn't know that either. I was learning so many things I never thought I would ever need to know.
It was like the Chloe I knew- had left her body & a different Chloe entered in.
She had body dis-morphia & hated herself intensely.
She was self harming & we learned that she had OCD symptoms for years.
Like- her room was always clean!
She never went to bed without reading her scriptures- and would have intense guilt if she did.
She liked to organize the refrigerator & pantry.
Whenever anyone was sick she would clean the door knobs & wipe down the light switches.
She also hid Lysol spray & disinfectant wipes under her bed.
She counted things- everything.
She memorized license plates- knows to this day every plate in the neighborhood.
it goes on & on
We learned more & more- like when she was quite- or not engaged in conversations, she was counting.
She never went to bed without reading her scriptures- and would have intense guilt if she did.
She liked to organize the refrigerator & pantry.
Whenever anyone was sick she would clean the door knobs & wipe down the light switches.
She also hid Lysol spray & disinfectant wipes under her bed.
She counted things- everything.
She memorized license plates- knows to this day every plate in the neighborhood.
it goes on & on
We learned more & more- like when she was quite- or not engaged in conversations, she was counting.
I think it started out that she enjoyed doing those things & liked feeling helpful- then she was compelled to do it couldn't keep up with it all.
there was so much going on in her little brain.
She could not keep up with it all.
She went in & out of the hospital unit.
The doctors, nurses, social workers, psych techs, therapists, they were so good!
So very very good to us!
Still- I felt judged- like it was all my fault. I had failed. FAiled completely.
I wanted to scream out everyday as I entered the unit- I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!
I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER! But frankly I didn't know if that was true.
Worst of all I got phone calls- 2 terrible phone calls.
One from a well meaning family member-
one from a stranger who refused to tell me how she knew about our family-
offering cures.
Special medications, drinks etc. that the happened to sell.
Things that would stop inflammation (their so called cause of depression- which may be true? How would I know?) One person even had a cure for me that had- "cured people with Down's Syndrome." Of course these cures come at hefty prices & we were spending all our money in the "wrong place."
I was told by both people- if I was a good mother I would try it.
A good mother would try anything, right?
WEll- she was on a lot of meds- I wasn't about to risk crossing the drugs she was already on with something not even approved by the FDA. It was too risky for me - I refused them.
they both got angry- really angry
It made me angry-
I felt like they were trying to take advantage of our sad situation.
I felt & still feel sorry for the desperate people who fall for this crap.
It's been a year now & the family member (my sister) still won't speak to me.
It hurt & it still hurts.
I still think about it almost every single day.
Then- I try to remember the kind people who consistently help & offer encouragement.
REally-
WhY-- WHY is it we (I) let those few negative experiences take over all the good?
There are so many levels to this story.
She could not keep up with it all.
She went in & out of the hospital unit.
The doctors, nurses, social workers, psych techs, therapists, they were so good!
So very very good to us!
Still- I felt judged- like it was all my fault. I had failed. FAiled completely.
I wanted to scream out everyday as I entered the unit- I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!
I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER! But frankly I didn't know if that was true.
Worst of all I got phone calls- 2 terrible phone calls.
One from a well meaning family member-
one from a stranger who refused to tell me how she knew about our family-
offering cures.
Special medications, drinks etc. that the happened to sell.
Things that would stop inflammation (their so called cause of depression- which may be true? How would I know?) One person even had a cure for me that had- "cured people with Down's Syndrome." Of course these cures come at hefty prices & we were spending all our money in the "wrong place."
I was told by both people- if I was a good mother I would try it.
A good mother would try anything, right?
WEll- she was on a lot of meds- I wasn't about to risk crossing the drugs she was already on with something not even approved by the FDA. It was too risky for me - I refused them.
they both got angry- really angry
It made me angry-
I felt like they were trying to take advantage of our sad situation.
I felt & still feel sorry for the desperate people who fall for this crap.
It's been a year now & the family member (my sister) still won't speak to me.
It hurt & it still hurts.
I still think about it almost every single day.
Then- I try to remember the kind people who consistently help & offer encouragement.
REally-
WhY-- WHY is it we (I) let those few negative experiences take over all the good?
There are so many levels to this story.
6 comments:
YOU, are amazing. I so wish that I could have still been working with you at Williams when you were going through all of this. You were my talking buddy. :) I miss that! You're an amazing mother, no matter what you think. That- I've always known about you. And your kids... they're amazing. They've all been through so much already, and you've been there and always will be there for them. You're whole family is amazing! I miss seeing you so often. :) Glad I get to read your blog at least!
I can believe someone would do that to you. I'm so sorry. Some people have no compation. All of your children are amazing,kind,caring, loving and they learned that from their parents. The world needs a millions more families like yours. Keeping you in our prayers and thank you for sharing your story. We have a family member going through the same.
There's no way any of this is your fault! I think you're absolutely right that there are so many levels to this story, the emotions must be overwhelming!
I am flabbergasted by the two phone calls you got! Even if they meant well at first it sounds like they handled things terribly and aren't thinking of you at all. I'm so sorry you are carrying this load in your heart.
Patsy, I keep telling you this, but I want you to know how grateful I am that you help us to better understand and help others. Thank you for taking that risk.
I love you all.
Patsy, I am just stunned. I can totally sympathize with the guilt you were experiencing, even though none of this was your fault. It's what mothers do! That must have been so hard to find out all the things that were happening in Chloe's world that you were unaware of.
I am so sad about the terrible phone calls. Especially that anyone would say "if you were a good mother, you would..." WOW. So much pain you have experienced, it hurts my heart.
You are a brave, brave woman, and so very strong. I'm so sorry for all that you and your family have had to endure in the last year, but I thank you for sharing. I wish I could give you a big hug!
I think you're a great mom!!! To heck with anyone who says you're not. You have wonderful children and you and Brett are wonderful too. Love you all. PDayley
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