chloe's story part one

This is a true story from my own point of view of the past year as my family & I have been blessed with the opportunity to learn hard lessons. Lessons on love, acceptance & why we are here on this earth anyway.

As the mother of children with mental illness I write this for three reasons:

1. therapy for myself

2. to help others- if you have ever struggled with mental illness or even worse, your child has- YOU are not alone. 

3. I never want to forget- actually there are a lot of things I want to forget- but I always want to remember so many things about this journey. I am a better person than I was before. 

 As most of us know...

Chloe has been ill for some time.

She was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome at 15 1/2.

She knew she had it longer, but didn't want to worry us & held it in-
 ticking only upstairs tucked away in her room.
After being diagnosed with severe OCD - then Tourette Syndrome on the same day. I was absolutely speechless, argued with the specialist, shocked, flabbergasted, how did I not see it?
I was devastated.
So was she.

Little did we (Brett & I) know that Tourette Syndrome was going to be the least of her problems.

We went through the rest of that year of school & dance & the summer- with lots of therapy. She hung on. Then she had to quit dancing. Her feet- the arches were about to fall- the pain was too intense. At a certain point it just wasn't fun- but mostly painful. The Tourette, she was trying to hide, got in the way & the OCD was starting to take over. 

She started obsessing about her body- she was "too big." Even her feet were "too big." She couldn't help it, she couldn't really see herself. It was all unreal. The depression got worse & worse.

Then the ticking-
 she just couldn't hold it in anymore.
She knew she shouldn't, her therapist told her not too,
 her mind told her not to-- but she was a 16 year old girl.

She would try to hide it at school then tick like mad- screaming ticks & hitting- when she got home. 

She compares it to holding in a sneeze- it just builds up until it has to come out at which point it is much bigger than when it started.

My sweet Chloe was at her limit.

The depression grew unbearable. Who could blame her?

It got worse & worse..... 

Christmas break 2012 it got so bad she was ticking loudly, screaming, hitting herself, and had her first tick storm. Ticking so violently she had to lay on her bed. I would put a pillow on her side while she beat herself & convulse & scream out ticks. It was excruciatingly painful for her - her dad & I felt completely helpless. The drugs- that were supposed to calm the ticks-- they made her feel drunk. She would randomly fall down at school and dance.Worse than that, they didn't stop the ticking.

The storms would start & Brett would call one of our dear neighbors to come help give her a priesthood blessing. They would leave in tears.

 I would kneel next to her bed & pray & keep saying-- it's okay, it's okay - just let it all out.