crabby

I'm seriously having a bad day....
so bad that-
I walked around Target for an hour hoping to snap out of it-
then came home to the dogs rooting through the kitchen garbage.

so bad that-
after that I ate 3 ding dongs.
WhY did I have ding dongs in the house? They were for the missionary of course- his favorite. Trying to be a nice mom gets me into so much trouble.

so bad that-
I begged the other scout leaders to take my boys today with them caroling because I just knew I couldn't handle it today. They of course came caroling to my house... I gave them all a ding dong.

so bad that-
I have the dreaded company Christmas dinner tonight .... holy hell I hate this stupid annual dinner. Which translates into hours of stewing over what to wear & misery. Two years ago was a disaster- last year, worse- this year...
let's just hope brett has a job on Monday.

It's just one of those days

emotional- again- and I feel like I need to apologize to everyone, including myself

This week has been kind of rough for me.

I was fine, truly fine- then I (plus three other mothers)

spoke in church on the subject of

our missionary's.

How is he doing...

and how has our family been blessed having a missionary?

I felt like this was an easy subject-

heaven knows I could go on & on about the missionary.

I wrote some notes for myself & called it good.

Then Sunday morning came & I kind of started getting weepy. I'm not sure why. I am really fine with Brian being gone & I am so happy & proud of him for all the success & growth he is making- I was okay. Let's face it we're on the down hill stretch. He comes home in November, it's all good...? I got dressed- we all got in the car- we went into the chapel-

it started getting worse.

All these memories came flooding back to me.

Him leaving, going to the MTC, Christmas with him gone.... etc.

I started to hold it in-

bit my tongue-

squeezed my thumb

(this thing I do to help me not to cry)

I didn't cry! Not at all!

UNTIL it was my turn to talk, and then

the flood gates opened.

I don't know what happened?I don't remember a word I said? The only thing I remember is at one point turning away from the microphone to catch my breathe because I was crying so hard. I mean so hard- like an ugly Oprah confessional.

That wasn't a very good start to my week.

Afterwords I felt completely humiliated.

I had to go home right after the meeting & kept on crying.

what in the world?

Brett was very perplexed- frankly so was I.

I think the combo of megan moving, jack getting ready for college, brian's away.

I guess I just snapped.

I hope the bishop learned his lesson?

DON'T ASK PREMENSTRUAL, ALMOST PERI-MENAPAUSAL,

MOMS TO SPEAK ON THEIR KIDS IN FRONT OF THEIR PEERS.

You know we have these kids, put our whole lives into them, try to do our best, then we are supposed to just say goodbye. Like this is easy.

Like after 20 years of this we know how to even do anything else.

Ya- I'm proud of my kids

I'm happy they are well & happy

I wouldn't trade what they are doing for anything

HEAVEN KNOWS... I don't want them to come home!

I'm just saying- I miss them.

The good news-

today I put the last sticker on the tall numbers of his sticker chart. He comes home in 303 days approximately.

Ya I know when he comes home he will leave again.

I just want to hug him, talk to him once in a while.

wash his clothes & make him his favorite dinner.

I want him to sit at the end of my bed at midnight & tell me about his date.

I miss him

I miss megan

I don't want jack to go too.

what else can I say

It's been a rough week

emotional

It was a beautiful Christmas program at church today.

I usually sing in the choir every Christmas. But for the last two years I have sat out. I just know I can't. I'm much too emotional. Christmas brings out so many feelings in me that I find it almost painful & wishing it would be over. Knowing what Mary & Joseph did to bring the Christ child into the world is so humbling & powerful to me, it almost puts me over the edge. As soon as I sat down in the pew I looked up to see another family in the congregation whose grown children & grandchildren were visiting. Upon that sight I started to cry. The meeting hadn't even really started. I couldn't help but think of all the lonely people in the world. I was overwhelmed at the thought of loneliness this Christmas. I certainly don't feel lonely- but I have a very, very,very tiny glimpse of how painful it would be, especially at Christmas time. I didn't stop crying until half way through the service. I fought the urge to go home. My thoughts went back to 5-6 years ago. Brett & I were to dinner with all our shopping/Christmas lists in hand- ready to organize. I found myself anticipating this very day. The day when we would be losing our children to adulthood one by one. It's a glorious thing to be a mother, but if you're good at it- you work yourself right out of a job. I knew even back then- I wouldn't handle it well. Brett reminded me we had 6 rambuncious children at home... I was being ridiculous & should mourn their leaving when they actually left. (If you are thinking I am crazy right now- call me when your kids start leaving- then tell me if you still think I'm crazy?)

I decided I needed to pull myself together. For heaven's sake- I am so blessed. I am surrounded by blessings. Health, strength, four beautiful children at home- two resposible children grown that I am so proud of ... seriously. So I pulled an idea out of my blogger's head from Jill & started to take notes. Thank you Jill. This was remarkable. I heard the message, and now I even remember it.

*It is by giving not getting that we feel the true spirit of Christmas

*A testimony of Christ or of the gospel never stands still. It is either growing or diminishing.

*Christmas is a time of good will to all men~ friends, strangers, even enemies.

*It is a selfish act to not partake of Christ's healing atonement.

*All year, any time, Christ is available & accessible.

I am grateful for this Christmas season.

I am grateful I am home with family.

I am so grateful for my knowledge of Christ, for His birth, for His sacrifice, for His example.