this summer

This past summer 

Trent was just itching to build something!

He decided it would be a house, fort- play house for the nephews- 

nearly every week it changed.

The folks at Home Depot were so awesome- truly!

Brett & Trent ran over there countless days for "supplies." 

When Brett mentioned Trent had Asperger's Syndrome & was building a fort all on his own, they offered him a discount. For the rest of the summer they could get boards from their -not so great- board pile for an excellent price. It was a great learning opportunity for Trent.

Now- fast forward to October & the fort is all taken apart & laying in a pile under the apple tree. Next spring they are going to draw up plans & build a tree house for Trent & all the grandsons. 

Trent is lucky- lucky we are patient & we haven't killed him by now. 

Lucky to have such a great dad.

We saw a couple of movies!

I have remembered how much I love to go to the movies.

For years we didn't go very often if ever- just too much going on with a little one with autism etc.

Hailey & her friend Ryan who have been dating almost a year now!

We saw Disney's Planes

and 

Despicable Me 2

and

The Way Way Back

I loved them all- but I am aware I am not a good movie judge since

 I just like any movie in the theater really...

When Chloe had home visits I tried to make her favorite food.

Like Buttermilk fried chicken!

This picture is of a fire we saw taking her back to the hospital one Sunday night.

A fire started up in the West- wild fires are so scary & devastating- but isn't this picture incredible?

(brett & chloe out to lunch on a day visit)

We had some super fun day visits & family therapy. 

Well, therapy wasn't always what you'd call fun, but it was good.

Here are Brett, Hailey & Chloe 

taking a tour on Segways- one of Chloe's bucket list items.

We ate a lot of peaches & ice cream.

One of my favorite things in late summer & in life in general-

and we had a new back patio poured

and steps put in.

Sadly our deck died. 

It was a good deck- but had to go.

The kind men who we hired to build our new patio & stairs were so nice to let Trent help them.

 It was an adventure.

 All in all it was kind of a tough summer.

But I am glad we had it. I look forward to next summer & hopefully a little family vacation? 

A girl can dream right?

I will acknowledge that God has never left us.

He doesn't leave us alone in our trials. He really doesn't.

It can certainly feel like it at times, oh I know that- 

But in the lowest moments - those moments when I don't feel like I can take it anymore, or hurt any deeper, He has lifted my burdens

and

I am grateful

science fair 2012- another last & just in time

Hallelujah!

A first I can really get excited about-

our last school science fair project.

happy, happy, joy, joy

Disclaimer: I NEVER WANTED TO BE THIS KIND OF MOM. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE SO AGAINST EDUCATIONAL ENDEAVORS.

This year-2012- will go down in history as the very last year of science fair projects for me my kids! Whomever invented the science fair- I want to punch them in the gut. If I would have known how many hours of my life would be consumed with science fair projects- I would not have had six children. Okay, Okay... I am exaggerating... still-- the science fair is in a word:

painful

 Six kids times at least 2 projects each= misery.

 I like science, I DO! I just can't explain it in words... the science fair- sigh.

I vaguely remember Megan's first science fair project- we were all involved & so excited- HA!

This year I decided if we had to do it-- Trent should really learn something!

So (hooray for the Internet!) I googled a science fair project website & found a great idea on:

Facial expressions & communication.

Perfect topic for a kid with aspergers. It was a good project & really not too hard or complicated. But... something in me just wouldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. Something in me snapped.

Brett asked me - what he could do to help me with Christmas?- the science fair project. Then he asked me later what he could do to help me get ready for Christmas again?- the science fair project. This happened several times. My answer never changed-- I just didn't have it in me. I couldn't do it- poor Trent his mom had reached total & complete science fair burn out.

Lucky for Trent-- Dad saved the day. The day before the project was due... (ya, I know) Dad & Trent finished the project.

IT'S OVER.

(cue tears of joy)

WE MADE IT!!

CELEBRATION - JOY- BALLOONS & CONFETTI

 The real science fair question? How many science fair projects does it take for a mom to get totally burned out & want to check herself into the loony bin?

sunday thoughts

Yesterday we got our first "real" snow storm in a long time!

5-7" inches - beautiful. I can't wait to tell Missionary Jack that is snowed!!! He was so disappointed when we talked to him Christmas day, that there was no snow here. He was dreaming of a white Christmas- for sure. It's summer in Brazil, but then where he is it's never, really winter. He will have missed two full winters-- lucky? Right now he is surely sweaty & hot walking somewhere (he walks 10-15 miles a day typically.) It's in the 80's with 80-95% humidity. I know because I check the weather in his city every night before I fall to sleep. 87 days left & I find myself thinking of his homecoming on a regular basis... all the time. I dreamt of him coming home last night. We picked him up at the airport. He was thin & dirty & I hugged him as tight as I could- then woke up.

~

Today at church two baby boys were blessed. My mind wandered back to the blessings of my three boys. With tears running down my face I remembered Jack's baby blessing. Brett said in the blessing- that he was to read the Book of Mormon. I don't typically speak of such personal matters here on this blog. But, I know this book is true. Call me crazy, call me nuts- call me a believer, because that's what I am. I have read it (and the bible) studied it, prayed about it- and it's true. 

It is the basis of my religion & my religion is the basis of my life. I love the teachings of this book. I love knowing that my family is sealed in the temple of God and that the bands of death- nor anything else can break that bond.

Truly God has blessed me with so much in this life.

This is what I know.

87 days.....

jinxed

I may have jinxed myself with all my work enthusiasm in my last post.
today was...... miserable.
tired me + crabby shoppers + demonstrating prime rib + long hours = a headache

To make matters worse---
I saw a young mom with three young daughters. Three daughters with bows in their hair.
I got all teary & had to walk into the back room for a second.
Oh how I LOved to do my girls hair... sigh.

Somedays I just miss being a mom at home with my kids.
Little kids- it was so hard, but so fun at the same time.
Why did it go so fast? Why didn't I do more, enjoy it more, I still have some time right?

It was just a hard day.

it wasn't supposed to be a party......

This year -

we told Trent (Brett & I) that

because he was getting a cell phone & expensive scouting stuff for his birthday.

We would not have a big party.

He was totally fine with that....

until last week when he I told him he could invite a couple of friends over for dinner on his actual birthday. I knew we were celebrating as a family earlier, that the girls & Brett would be gone- so what the heck? Invite a friend or two & I'll order pizza. I'm kinda nice that way.

Then- in the Sunday paper I saw the Diary of a Whimpy Kid movie was being released on DVD -on his actual birthday, so I thought- hey we can have dinner & a movie- no sweat right?

then-

he started inviting people

anyone walking down the street basically.

I cut that list to the basic friends he had asked & told him at least 1,000 times-

Trent, this is NOT a party.

we had no invites- just phone calls- no gifts- just dinner & a movie!

I don't know why i was so insistent?

I guess I feel like he is so spoiled being the youngest, getting a cell phone (it's ridiculous if you ask me) etc?

Then in the car, late in the afternoon, on the big day.

I repeated again- this is not a party just pizza & a movie.

He said-

"mom, that's a party to me."

my heart sank.

I'm such a loser.

he's a little kid for heaven's sake!

I took him to Dairy Queen & we bought an ice cream cake.

I felt guilty the whole night for not inviting his many other friends.

What would it have hurt to invite a bunch of boys over?

At least his cub scout troop?

I could have spent a few more bucks on pizza?

I felt like dirt.

After the kids left I was about to apologize when he ran up, hugged me & said

"mom that was the best party ever!"

note to self:

life is short

Trent is already spoiled

the youngest of six- he should be spoiled, poor kid

next time - have the party - have fun.

it doesn't have to be a big deal

lesson learned

I hope

I don't mind it.... updated!

I've been singing this to my kids for years- I changed the words to
"that's what moms are for."
this morning (while singing it yet again) I realized... they may not know where it came from?

because: If you want to know, really want to know. Then I don't mind if you really want to know. If you want to know... I don't mind it, that's what moms are for.
do do to do, do do to do-
MOms always lend a helping hand- do do to do, do do to do...

aaah- I love sesame street.



*UPDATE--
It's really crackin' me up that you guys think that this is some kind of sweet thing I do...? because you can ask my kids... the whole purpose of this song is that ernie is annoying bert. Do you get it?
You don't want to do your chores.... but I don't mind it- you are sleepy I don't mind it.... that's what chores are for.. dodo to do- dodo to do!

ahh- sarcasm

a day in the life... well, not quite

Early Friday morning I thought it would be a good idea to take my camera around with me & document a day in my life...

I made my bed.

Picked my room up a bit.

gathered all the towels in the house
(I wash all the towels on sanitize every friday.)

made chloe & trent's bed-
Yes, I often make my kid's beds- so what?

and wrote a letter to the missionary.
all this after:
breakfast for six
lunches for three
starting the first of six loads of laundry
reading with trent
kissing brett & brian goodbye
(brian's not quite so willing so it's tricky)
and taking hailey to school
(she goes late every other day)

When I got home I got an immediate phone call from chloe-
she was on a field trip with her art class making sidewalk chalk art-
not far away- & freezing her buns off.
I ran her a jacket & fresh piece of bread-
did I forget to mention I was making bread?
When I came home I decided I was done documenting my day.
I started feeling wiped out & just a little sorry for myself. In my efforts to capture my day I felt stupid- like a silly little maid picking up after everyone. Like, my job wasn't that important or impressive, or any good but very boring.
My mind wandered to
Maybe I should get a part time job? For an airlines? We could travel??
All of these years instead of waisting time here, what could I have made of myself?
I said a prayer
An hour later there was a huge lightening storm.
the power went out.
I quickly said a dozen prayers for Trent- his lightening phobia comes back full force every spring. I sat on the couch... thinking & praying. Should I go get him? check on him. Only an hour left of school (early out day) ... but it was huge lightening- we found out later it hit & knocked out a power line just a couple blocks from his school- ya it was loud & powerful.
I had a spiritual confirmation that it was okay- good for him to experience these things without his mother. He was in good hands, and I was in the right place doing the right thing.
An hour later... lightening had passed- and the phone rang. It was trent wanting me to pick him up even though his school was 1 1/2 blocks away. I walked over with his jacket & we talked. We talked about the lightening & how he was okay & how his friend Nic said he was okay because it is safe indoors. (peers have such influence over us, don't they? I've told him that a million times)
For the gazillionth time in my motherhood career, I felt grateful to be home. It was important for me to be "here." NOt just to do housework, but yes to do house work & yes to be "here."

Hailey came home & shared with me her newest itunes selection.

I love my job
Even when I hate the housework part of it.
Even when I wonder what I could've been,
because I know one thing for sure-
I'm blessed.

why I couldn't sleep last night....

well- the senior photos are in-
they are over the top AMAZING!
Wende emailed me that they were done, i got onto her website to check them out...
then it

hit me.

like a brick to the forehead.
we are losing another one. another one out.
in all my thrilling excitement over his acceptance to BYU it hadn't dawned on me...
Until Now
darn kids-
I mistakenly thought this was going to get easier {sigh}

if you would like to check them out go here -
click on online proofs- password- jack
I like eleven, twenty three, thirty four & fifty one-
which ones do you like?
I need to get his announcements out soon- if you leave a comment & a way to get your address- I will send you one!

emotional- again- and I feel like I need to apologize to everyone, including myself

This week has been kind of rough for me.

I was fine, truly fine- then I (plus three other mothers)

spoke in church on the subject of

our missionary's.

How is he doing...

and how has our family been blessed having a missionary?

I felt like this was an easy subject-

heaven knows I could go on & on about the missionary.

I wrote some notes for myself & called it good.

Then Sunday morning came & I kind of started getting weepy. I'm not sure why. I am really fine with Brian being gone & I am so happy & proud of him for all the success & growth he is making- I was okay. Let's face it we're on the down hill stretch. He comes home in November, it's all good...? I got dressed- we all got in the car- we went into the chapel-

it started getting worse.

All these memories came flooding back to me.

Him leaving, going to the MTC, Christmas with him gone.... etc.

I started to hold it in-

bit my tongue-

squeezed my thumb

(this thing I do to help me not to cry)

I didn't cry! Not at all!

UNTIL it was my turn to talk, and then

the flood gates opened.

I don't know what happened?I don't remember a word I said? The only thing I remember is at one point turning away from the microphone to catch my breathe because I was crying so hard. I mean so hard- like an ugly Oprah confessional.

That wasn't a very good start to my week.

Afterwords I felt completely humiliated.

I had to go home right after the meeting & kept on crying.

what in the world?

Brett was very perplexed- frankly so was I.

I think the combo of megan moving, jack getting ready for college, brian's away.

I guess I just snapped.

I hope the bishop learned his lesson?

DON'T ASK PREMENSTRUAL, ALMOST PERI-MENAPAUSAL,

MOMS TO SPEAK ON THEIR KIDS IN FRONT OF THEIR PEERS.

You know we have these kids, put our whole lives into them, try to do our best, then we are supposed to just say goodbye. Like this is easy.

Like after 20 years of this we know how to even do anything else.

Ya- I'm proud of my kids

I'm happy they are well & happy

I wouldn't trade what they are doing for anything

HEAVEN KNOWS... I don't want them to come home!

I'm just saying- I miss them.

The good news-

today I put the last sticker on the tall numbers of his sticker chart. He comes home in 303 days approximately.

Ya I know when he comes home he will leave again.

I just want to hug him, talk to him once in a while.

wash his clothes & make him his favorite dinner.

I want him to sit at the end of my bed at midnight & tell me about his date.

I miss him

I miss megan

I don't want jack to go too.

what else can I say

It's been a rough week

ukulele program 2008

Everyone who goes to our school learns the ukulele in second grade. Everyone. We are a neighborhood of ukulele players- really. Trent's class had their annual spring ukulele program yesterday. It was so darling! I am telling you, that teacher is nothing short of a miracle worker. Teaching 25 seven & eight year olds to play more than 20 different songs-- downright amazing.

Trent was really excited. Oh no, not about the concert... he kept saying-" after the concert we get to go home with our parents!! We get to go home early, before all the other kids!! Hey guess what? We get to go home early!"

Apparently going home early, before everyone else is a real treat.

Watching Trent play with the other kids was- well- sweet & to be honest... stung just a little. He just can't help it - the ol' aspergers really shows up in crowds of his peers. Don't get me wrong, he did great. He was darling. He was also obsessed with tucking in his shirt & checking his shoe laces, but hey- he did it & we loved watching him. Every kid had two solos. Trent needed a little boost so a girl in his class helped out. This is a huge accomplishment for Trent. Being in front of an audience, playing an instrument, singing into a microphone- these are big steps for my little guy. It was thrilling & so much fun.

(I'm really not squeezing his neck)

After the program all the kids brought out their moms a present they had been working on all month. A card & flower they had planted themselves. LOVE IT! His card said, I love my mom because... (he filled in) she plays with me.

Good times :)

dreams do come true

I am reflecting today on my Megan.

The day she was born, all my dreams for what she would become someday. Being a mom isn't always easy. It isn't always what you expect. It isn't always fun or rewarding.

Today it is.

it's all gettin' to me

It's been one of those days. Trent came home early from school yesterday coughing. I really was going to keep him home- really. But at 9:00 when I went to the school to make some copies for teacher appreciation week- he seemed totally fine & wanted to go. About 10:30 I got the call from the office- he wasn't coughing he just didn't feel good. He has hay fever so I knew that was it. I was at Costco, so quickly made my purchases (we have tons of company coming and NO FOOD in the house- not a good combination) then went & picked him up at school. I'm so embarrassed I should have just kept him with me for the day. I truly thought he was fine, we went on tons of errands, cleaned the car, he helped me all day. When we got home he had 100.2 fever- oops I did it again. Well I blew it. The stress is kicking in. I've eaten 5-6 of these today. Chocolate covered marshmallow cookies. Since I thought it was going to be kind of a Trent day I took him to walmart & they are only a dollar & change for a package. Big mistake- I love these babies- they make the world a better place, except for what they are now doing to my back side.

Anyhow, trent has be BEGGING me in the most annoying 8 year old way for what seems like eternity to go there. someone I think Brittany (brittany if it was you, you are in so much trouble-jk) told him cell phones are free there. He is obsessed with wanting a cell phone. For weeks cell phone this, cell phone that. Life's not fair because he doesn't have a cell phone???

what in the world!!??

You cannot reason with him- for real.

I took him to Walmart & showed them that yes they have a free cell phone if you buy a cell phone plan. He assured me he does not need a cell phone plan because he has a plan in his head. Oh my- we have spent hours explaining what a cell phone plan is to no benefit.

When my sugar rush wore off I took a nap on the couch. Interrupted incessantly by the cell phone obsessed. He had found our old cell phones, cell phones on the Internet at walmart.com and of course was dying to show me. Mom, mom get up you've gotta see this cell phone- Hey mom get up I found brian's old cell phone. oh my gosh, someone shoot me. We went over the "cell phone plan" concept AGAIN.

I swear this video is nothing compared to what we are living through.

Who has time to do a wedding?

UPDATE

** I found out who told Trent cell phone were free at walmart- it was the same kid who introduced him to WWF & taught him some other choice things-- in his class at school.

I should've known! so sorry brittany- I think i thought of you because of the talk about cell phones you & trent were having the other day.**

Brian the Missionary - An Update

Lelly recently asked me to give an update on my missionary son Brian. Don't you just love that Lelly? Although having a missionary is one of my favorite subjects to talk about, I find it very difficult to blog about. My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes I'm excited, happy, proud- the next minute I physically ache missing him, worry myself sick, & feel like my heart has been ripped out. I'll tell you this much. I have NEVER cried so many tears, happy or otherwise.

"oh, last night we were street contacting a lady was walking our way so i was like hola senora como esta, she kind of kept walking so i said ¿a donde va? thinking that that was ok... my companion told me that means ¿where you goin, wanna come with me instead...? and it was dark... haha my first nasty mess up with the language. but that at least explained the look she gave me haha. bad bad."

Almost 21 years ago I went into labor with my oldest child- a girl-Megan. As I lay in the hospital bed I remember thinking- this is a breeze! Not long after that I was in complete life changing shock. I had NO IDEA it was going to be that hard. I remember staying up all night crying while Brett & Megan slept. I felt sorry for myself & for her. My hopes of having a large family were completely shattered. She would be an only child. I was NEVER doing that again. That's the only way I can compare sending off a missionary right now. I am completely shocked at my reaction. I had NO idea how hard it would be. I had NO idea how great the rewards would be. I must be so nieve, I feel so stupid.

"i feel the love of my savior. i love teaching his gospel. the most powerful things to teach out here are the first vision and restoration and the atonement of our savior jesus christ. he loves us more than we can ever comprehend and the little stuggles and things that we go through are not in vain. he has felt every little tiny pain we have ever had and we should feel so comforted for that. i know that he is with me. he leads me and guides me to do and say what his brothers and sisters need to here. i love reading the book of mormon, the true word of our father in heaven. it has such power. today i read in doctrine and covenants in a part where christ tesifies of himself! its so true! none of my doubts and questions matter when im feeling the spirit and i feel it alot here. i know that he lives, that he loves us and is with us. i know that joseph smith was and is a prophet of god. with president hinckley, we got a call early this morning during study and they told us. i know that he is in the next life, in a better place. im sure the reception for him there was fantastic and i know that he can kneel before our lord and have his life accepted for his service. i pray for each of you by name, every day. i know that the spirit is with you."

I knew he should go, I never pushed him but knew he would do great & be happy serving. He has a love of people, of Christ. A real testimony of this gospel that is so much of his upbringing and our lives, and so do I. But he is my baby. A friend of mine told me- the sooner you put him in the Lord's hands the better off you'll be. I know she's right, but I just can't let go.

"we went to visit this really old man at his house. he has no hands, only a pinky on one. he actually isnt an investigator or a member but we like to visit him. we were in his house and i was really tired and my comp asked if we could sing a hymn for him. my comp had me choose and i chose ¨abide with me tis eventide¨ which is equally beautiful in spanish and we sang that for him. instantly i had the spirit chills all over my body, it was so strong, i loved it!"

Motherhood. It is such a priveledge & trial. What made me think I could ever be a mother especially to so many children? I am so proud to be a missionary's mom. I am happy he is living his dream. I guess I am living mine too.

"it gets hard. but this is so important. i cant let these people miss out on their chance to hear the message of our savior jesus christ and his church on the earth.i love you all so much."