a birthday post-

Last week was my 47th birthday!

I hate to be all downer about it....

but I am kind of a big fat baby when it comes to my birthday.

I anticipate it for at least a week, usually longer.

 I get all weepy & start feeling sorry for myself. 

Next- I wonder why I am alive in the first place & if anyone loves me or ever has?

I imagine the worst possible thing happening... nobody remembering me.

 I contemplate it for days & wonder if I should go away on a trip so I won't be so disappointed and

 regret all of my life choices thus far.... 

I really do all of this.

every. year.

I feel so bad for my sweet husband.

 He has to live through this year- after year- after year.

It's ridiculous- I'm not proud- It's ugly- I'm starting therapy next month

(just keepin' it real.)

Maybe by now you have guessed that I have had a few rough birthdays?

WELL NOt This YEAR BabY!

Balloons on my mailbox- who did that?

 I want to kiss your face.

 I cried.

My mom called me first thing in the morning & let me pick out two books on Amazon that she sent out that day. I love them- they are here. Thanks mom. I love that you did that.

Karen & I went to lunch- I picked this place & it was wonderful & I love Karen.

 Thank you so much!

I came home to a present in the mail!

 Jill- you amaze me with your thoughtfulness & creativity!

Thank you!

Lisa left this on my doorstep & she didn't even have to do that?!

The "blogger moms" are having a real birthday party for me this week-

 lots of them were out of town last week.

Then- I was so lucky to get to meet up with ALL OF THESE CUTIES for a dinner I didn't even make!

I LOVED MY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR

Pre-dinner show of cuteness brought to you by:

Joey & Finn above- Charlie & Crew below

Peter was just plain cute. period.

We ate at probably my favorite place to eat downtown.

Did I mention it was such a great day?

 I even had help blowing out the candle on my dessert!

After dinner the kids & Brett were so great to give me all of these thoughtful gifts.

Tears, more tears-- such very thoughtful gifts- really.

The kids made a list of 47 things they love about mom...

 I read it out loud. 

Brett made me a list of the: Top Ten Reasons He is Glad He Married me

The kids read them out loud.

And I needed it.

I really did.

It's been a hard year of doubt, worry, weight gain, wondering if it is all my fault, asking myself over & over & over if I was good enough? If any of my life was good enough? 

I don't write this for you to feel sad for me or even to prove that I'm a brat

 - because really my life is awesome-

 or for people to leave comments.

I just want anyone out there who is reading (especially my future self & children) that

 sometimes life is just hard like that.

 And- sometimes it stays hard for a good long while,

 so you press on, and on, then wonder if it's worth it? 

And the answer is:

YES

It is worth it

I am worth it and so are YOU.

Christmas season 2013

This year for me-

Christmas meant extra hours at work.

Which frankly I was very grateful for.

Still- I have deep regrets for not getting my education. 

My constant lecture to my two sweet girls at home: get an education!

Education is power- it's freedom.

Freedom to choose what you want to do with your time.

Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my job- I really do!

I just don't love the pay- and I am not free to choose what I would like to do.

I know there are always exceptions, etc. But the facts are the facts & women need an education.

Apologies to my dear parents who offered it to me and... I didn't take the opportunity.

now I am old with too much responsibility to go back to school - women need something to fall back on- I wish I had more legitimate skills.

end of the lecture- feel free to move on

I set up a hot cocoa bar- thank you pinterest-

just after Thanksgiving.

It's so pretty under the microwave I think I will leave it up all winter.

I honestly don't drink hot cocoa- don't like it- but the kids do and I love this display.

I love our Christmas tree- I love that Chloe & Trent put most of the decorations on with Jack, Cory & Hailey. It was so much fun & I didn't take pictures of people putting on the decorations... oh my goodness. 

At work we started a Cooking With Kids series & it has been VERY successful.

I have been teaching it once a month on Saturday mornings- corporate had this big idea to do the same thing every Saturday in November- so we jumped on board of course. It was really fun. Then in December we decorated cookies & gingerbread houses. We have a pretty good following now. I gotta say- it's so fun when the kids run up & hug me. My own at home Cooking with Kids classes start up again next week. I have a full - cooking with kids schedule! I'm always looking for ideas for things- parents want kids to know- so feel free to comment with suggestions.

The down side- I am always wishing I was at home doing this with my own kids & grand kids...

I just can't seem to find balance right now.

I love snow in winter.

It's been so pretty here!

Our chickens our surviving since Brett digs them out & makes them a walk way. 

They are down to only producing one egg a day- one egg between the two of them?

Don't really know why & I haven't made it a priority to figure it out.

We continue on with medical tests AKA: waste of money- no one knows what to do for him-- for Jack. warning: DO NOT SEND ME SUGGESTIONS.

 I am up to my throat and about to drown in them-

thank you very much.

 We are working it out- not really- but we are trying- do not send me your ideas or give my number anonymously to anyone. Sorry but really- it's that bad. I don't want to know what super healing power you got from eating chicken soup or oil pulling. I hope all those things are successful for you -I really do- and I am not opposed to nontraditional medical ideas- I am opposed to getting them from people at this point. Truthfully- I swear- SWEAR - I've heard it all.

Jack & I on this day went in for a hydrogen breath test & MRI for his migraines. 

He is on leave from work & misses classes on a regular basis now. Thank goodness for understanding & wonderful professors. AND- it's not that bad because he got all A's

ALL A'S ON HIS FINALS!!

this kid- gotta love him- or be amazed

What I do love to hear from people- is that they are praying for him & for us to figure it out.

I know that prayer will probably be the key to this. 

Grateful for a loving Heavenly Father & for this Christmas Season.

More on Christmas to come.

part two

Christmas came & went- 

The ticking got a little better, but the depression grew worse.

Chloe couldn't go back to school like that & started doing some school from home with help from a liaison sent from the High School. Just after that we met with her tourette/OCD specialist, who confirmed it was time- time to admit Chloe into an adolescent, psychiatric ward. She had made plans.

 Plans to end it all. 

We took her straight over- and it was one of the most difficult experiences of my life.

 Before Thanksgiving- I had started a big project. 

Turning Hailey's room into a guest room.

Come winter- it was not getting done with everything else going on.

So- these two sweet friends came over one day & just like that- the bedroom was painted. 

The world is FULL of wonderful people!

I am lucky because I know a lot of them.

Words cannot express my relief to get this done. 

It's was a very long winter.

Chloe was in & out of the hospital - then started going to school there in an outpatient program.

Did you know that if a person gets extremely depressed they can have psychotic symptoms?

I didn't know that either. I was learning so many things I never thought I would ever need to know.

It was like the Chloe I knew- had left her body & a different Chloe entered in.

She had body dis-morphia & hated herself intensely. 

She was self harming & we learned that she had OCD symptoms for years.

Like- her room was always clean!
She never went to bed without reading her scriptures- and would have intense guilt if she did.
She liked to organize the refrigerator & pantry.
 Whenever anyone was sick she would clean the door knobs & wipe down the light switches.
She also hid Lysol spray & disinfectant wipes under her bed.
She counted things- everything.
She memorized license plates- knows to this day every plate in the neighborhood.
it goes on & on
We learned more & more- like when she was quite- or not engaged in conversations, she was counting.

I think it started out that she enjoyed doing those things & liked feeling helpful- then she was compelled to do it  couldn't keep up with it all. 

there was so much going on in her little brain.
She could not keep up with it all.
She went in & out of the hospital unit.
The doctors, nurses, social workers, psych techs, therapists, they were so good!
So very very good to us!
Still- I felt judged- like it was all my fault. I had failed. FAiled completely.
I wanted to scream out everyday as I entered the unit- I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!
I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER! But frankly I didn't know if that was true.
Worst of all I got phone calls- 2 terrible phone calls.
One from a well meaning family member-
one from a stranger who refused to tell me how she knew about our family-
 offering cures.
Special medications, drinks etc. that the happened to sell.
Things that would stop inflammation (their so called cause of depression- which may be true? How would I know?) One person even had a cure for me that had- "cured people with Down's Syndrome." Of course these cures come at hefty prices & we were spending all our money in the "wrong place."
I was told by both people- if I was a good mother I would try it.
A good mother would try anything, right?
WEll- she was on a lot of meds- I wasn't about to risk crossing the drugs she was already on with something not even approved by the FDA. It was too risky for me - I refused them.
they both got angry- really angry
It made me angry-
I felt like they were trying to take advantage of our sad situation.
 I felt & still feel sorry for the desperate people who fall for this crap.
It's been a year now & the family member (my sister) still won't speak to me.
It hurt & it still hurts.
I still think about it almost every single day.
Then- I try to remember the kind people who consistently help & offer encouragement.
REally-
WhY-- WHY is it we (I) let those few negative experiences take over all the good?
There are so many levels to this story.

adventures of a not-so-common fellow

Jack!

Oh my son Jack-- 

He is quite the adventurer, as you should know if you are a regular reader here.

The week before last, he took on another adventure and had his first 

Endoscopy

aka: Colonoscopy

This Kid Knows How To Party!

(Jack as he started his "colon prep." By the way- he will not be drinking blue gatorade again)

Jack has had severe gastrointestinal problems since 6 months into his mission.

We didn't know...

Didn't know he was going to the poorest state - in the poorest section of Brazil.

Brazil- where the sewage runs free. 

Heaven knows I was better off not knowing.

He certainly didn't tell me.

 Neither did his mission presidents.... no comment here on that.

I guess Jack is right, what were they going to say? 

 This guy is no stranger to the hospital-

and let me just say

AMERICAN HOSPITALS

I love you

I love your doctors & especially your nurses.

I love your hospital gowns & clean pillows.

Your machines that tick away working diligently. 

I love your mostly private rooms- and clean blue gloves.

I know you are not perfect... but oh the difference. 

If we knew what other countries know-

we would pray with thanks to the All Mighty God for what we have!

Jack writes all about his Brazilian hospital adventures & much, Much more in his new blog:

The Adventures of a Common Fellow

check it out

Let me know if you do & what you think?

chloe's story part one

This is a true story from my own point of view of the past year as my family & I have been blessed with the opportunity to learn hard lessons. Lessons on love, acceptance & why we are here on this earth anyway.

As the mother of children with mental illness I write this for three reasons:

1. therapy for myself

2. to help others- if you have ever struggled with mental illness or even worse, your child has- YOU are not alone. 

3. I never want to forget- actually there are a lot of things I want to forget- but I always want to remember so many things about this journey. I am a better person than I was before. 

 As most of us know...

Chloe has been ill for some time.

She was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome at 15 1/2.

She knew she had it longer, but didn't want to worry us & held it in-
 ticking only upstairs tucked away in her room.
After being diagnosed with severe OCD - then Tourette Syndrome on the same day. I was absolutely speechless, argued with the specialist, shocked, flabbergasted, how did I not see it?
I was devastated.
So was she.

Little did we (Brett & I) know that Tourette Syndrome was going to be the least of her problems.

We went through the rest of that year of school & dance & the summer- with lots of therapy. She hung on. Then she had to quit dancing. Her feet- the arches were about to fall- the pain was too intense. At a certain point it just wasn't fun- but mostly painful. The Tourette, she was trying to hide, got in the way & the OCD was starting to take over. 

She started obsessing about her body- she was "too big." Even her feet were "too big." She couldn't help it, she couldn't really see herself. It was all unreal. The depression got worse & worse.

Then the ticking-
 she just couldn't hold it in anymore.
She knew she shouldn't, her therapist told her not too,
 her mind told her not to-- but she was a 16 year old girl.

She would try to hide it at school then tick like mad- screaming ticks & hitting- when she got home. 

She compares it to holding in a sneeze- it just builds up until it has to come out at which point it is much bigger than when it started.

My sweet Chloe was at her limit.

The depression grew unbearable. Who could blame her?

It got worse & worse..... 

Christmas break 2012 it got so bad she was ticking loudly, screaming, hitting herself, and had her first tick storm. Ticking so violently she had to lay on her bed. I would put a pillow on her side while she beat herself & convulse & scream out ticks. It was excruciatingly painful for her - her dad & I felt completely helpless. The drugs- that were supposed to calm the ticks-- they made her feel drunk. She would randomly fall down at school and dance.Worse than that, they didn't stop the ticking.

The storms would start & Brett would call one of our dear neighbors to come help give her a priesthood blessing. They would leave in tears.

 I would kneel next to her bed & pray & keep saying-- it's okay, it's okay - just let it all out. 

this summer

This past summer 

Trent was just itching to build something!

He decided it would be a house, fort- play house for the nephews- 

nearly every week it changed.

The folks at Home Depot were so awesome- truly!

Brett & Trent ran over there countless days for "supplies." 

When Brett mentioned Trent had Asperger's Syndrome & was building a fort all on his own, they offered him a discount. For the rest of the summer they could get boards from their -not so great- board pile for an excellent price. It was a great learning opportunity for Trent.

Now- fast forward to October & the fort is all taken apart & laying in a pile under the apple tree. Next spring they are going to draw up plans & build a tree house for Trent & all the grandsons. 

Trent is lucky- lucky we are patient & we haven't killed him by now. 

Lucky to have such a great dad.

We saw a couple of movies!

I have remembered how much I love to go to the movies.

For years we didn't go very often if ever- just too much going on with a little one with autism etc.

Hailey & her friend Ryan who have been dating almost a year now!

We saw Disney's Planes

and 

Despicable Me 2

and

The Way Way Back

I loved them all- but I am aware I am not a good movie judge since

 I just like any movie in the theater really...

When Chloe had home visits I tried to make her favorite food.

Like Buttermilk fried chicken!

This picture is of a fire we saw taking her back to the hospital one Sunday night.

A fire started up in the West- wild fires are so scary & devastating- but isn't this picture incredible?

(brett & chloe out to lunch on a day visit)

We had some super fun day visits & family therapy. 

Well, therapy wasn't always what you'd call fun, but it was good.

Here are Brett, Hailey & Chloe 

taking a tour on Segways- one of Chloe's bucket list items.

We ate a lot of peaches & ice cream.

One of my favorite things in late summer & in life in general-

and we had a new back patio poured

and steps put in.

Sadly our deck died. 

It was a good deck- but had to go.

The kind men who we hired to build our new patio & stairs were so nice to let Trent help them.

 It was an adventure.

 All in all it was kind of a tough summer.

But I am glad we had it. I look forward to next summer & hopefully a little family vacation? 

A girl can dream right?

I will acknowledge that God has never left us.

He doesn't leave us alone in our trials. He really doesn't.

It can certainly feel like it at times, oh I know that- 

But in the lowest moments - those moments when I don't feel like I can take it anymore, or hurt any deeper, He has lifted my burdens

and

I am grateful