a birthday post-

Last week was my 47th birthday!

I hate to be all downer about it....

but I am kind of a big fat baby when it comes to my birthday.

I anticipate it for at least a week, usually longer.

 I get all weepy & start feeling sorry for myself. 

Next- I wonder why I am alive in the first place & if anyone loves me or ever has?

I imagine the worst possible thing happening... nobody remembering me.

 I contemplate it for days & wonder if I should go away on a trip so I won't be so disappointed and

 regret all of my life choices thus far.... 

I really do all of this.

every. year.

I feel so bad for my sweet husband.

 He has to live through this year- after year- after year.

It's ridiculous- I'm not proud- It's ugly- I'm starting therapy next month

(just keepin' it real.)

Maybe by now you have guessed that I have had a few rough birthdays?

WELL NOt This YEAR BabY!

Balloons on my mailbox- who did that?

 I want to kiss your face.

 I cried.

My mom called me first thing in the morning & let me pick out two books on Amazon that she sent out that day. I love them- they are here. Thanks mom. I love that you did that.

Karen & I went to lunch- I picked this place & it was wonderful & I love Karen.

 Thank you so much!

I came home to a present in the mail!

 Jill- you amaze me with your thoughtfulness & creativity!

Thank you!

Lisa left this on my doorstep & she didn't even have to do that?!

The "blogger moms" are having a real birthday party for me this week-

 lots of them were out of town last week.

Then- I was so lucky to get to meet up with ALL OF THESE CUTIES for a dinner I didn't even make!

I LOVED MY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR

Pre-dinner show of cuteness brought to you by:

Joey & Finn above- Charlie & Crew below

Peter was just plain cute. period.

We ate at probably my favorite place to eat downtown.

Did I mention it was such a great day?

 I even had help blowing out the candle on my dessert!

After dinner the kids & Brett were so great to give me all of these thoughtful gifts.

Tears, more tears-- such very thoughtful gifts- really.

The kids made a list of 47 things they love about mom...

 I read it out loud. 

Brett made me a list of the: Top Ten Reasons He is Glad He Married me

The kids read them out loud.

And I needed it.

I really did.

It's been a hard year of doubt, worry, weight gain, wondering if it is all my fault, asking myself over & over & over if I was good enough? If any of my life was good enough? 

I don't write this for you to feel sad for me or even to prove that I'm a brat

 - because really my life is awesome-

 or for people to leave comments.

I just want anyone out there who is reading (especially my future self & children) that

 sometimes life is just hard like that.

 And- sometimes it stays hard for a good long while,

 so you press on, and on, then wonder if it's worth it? 

And the answer is:

YES

It is worth it

I am worth it and so are YOU.

last day of school

The last day of school is pretty much the best day of the whole year.

Well, for the kids anyway- that was sarcasm.{Elementary school year end flag lowering ceremony}Trent & his teacher. Fifth grade has been a hard one for me & Trent. There has been a lot of learning, mixed in with mom feeling discouraged & Trent wanting to be home schooled. Trent's two best buds from last year moved schools. It's rough being a kid. Even rougher if you are a kid with Aspergers. He has a difficult time reading other kid's body language & communicating in general. Math - it gets harder in fifth grade. I'm talking algebra & geometry hard.... ya, rough. Reading & writing- they get harder too- like you are supposed to read real books (not comic books) and write something that happened in such book. dang.

Summer vacation~ bring it!Chloe spent the day signing year books & hanging out with friends!

the best part of the last day of school-

lots of friends mixed with pizza & root beer

this year I even made chocolate cake!

Trent has five friends over-
which means lots of boys trying to play- mixed with Trent getting confused & upset then crying & screaming. I have a headache. These poor boys. I think I'm going to be crying & screaming next. Heaven help me it could be a looong summer.

a conversation

(note: we went to the library this week & Trent checked out "Treehouses & Playhouses- You Can Build" pluse "Backyards for Kids"-- oh, when will I ever learn?)

Trent: Mom, can I use your computer?
Mom: sure
Trent: how do you spell HOme Depot?
Mom: h.o.m.e. d.e.p.o.t.
Trent: how do you spell Solar Panel?
mom: ?
Trent: when are we going to put the roof on my tree house? I need to put in a solar panel so I don't have to wire it. Does Jack know how to use a nail gun?

I'm sick about it!

What is this world coming to?

First-- my FAVORITE magazine shuts down &

Now this????

NO MORE PINK & WHITE CIRCUS COOKIES?

these are seriously one of my very favorite things of all time.

they've been closing since October & I am just finding out about it??

HOW CAN THIS BE?

See what happens when you try not to eat so much junk food? (I should've known that was a bad idea- )now the stores are probably all out.

I am devastated.

did anyone else know about this?

why wasn't something done?

so sad

modern day miracles

Many of you may know but most of you don't that my husband has tinnitus. He's had it for years... since he was about eight. Growing up he never gave it too much thought. Every year he failed the hearing test at school. You know the one where you put on the head phones then raise your hand when you hear the beep. When the beep got to the same pitch as the tinnitus it canceled it out- so he would go to the nurse.... yada yada yada-there's nothing we can do- no big deal. right?

I knew he had it when we got married. It never seemed to bother him too much. He had periods of difficulty, more like uncomfortableness (is that a word) in loud restaurants or when the kids got too loud. When it gets loud, like everyone else he concentrates to listen - but as he concentrates the ringing (more like swooshing in his head) gets louder & louder. Every 4-5 years he would ask a doctor about it, they would send him to an audiologist who would announce- you have tinnitus- (duh)- there's nothing you can do about it & that was that.

The last couple of years it has gotten worse & then more worse. It has been a constant struggle- I can see it in his eyes. He is a very successful business man- let's face it- it takes a lot of work & money & drive to support even a frugal stay at home wife & six children. At the end of the day he's tired. Tired of the noise, tired of the distraction- it's frustrating. Some days I can see it's just too much.

Back to the specialist & back to hoping there is some new treatment & guess what? After months of different things... including an MRI two days before megan's wedding to check for a brain tumor... (that's always fun & such great timing)... allergy med's hoping to ease pressure in the ear drum.... puncturing the ear drum with a needle to relieve pressure (ya it was as bad as it sounds)... all to no relief- but then we just started trying this past spring, right? And we really had no hope before that- right?

Well- yesterday he was fitted with a hearing aide.
Guess what- It's working.... these new hearing aides- modern day miracles. they can strengthen the outside sounds & mask the swooshing noise of the tinnitus. It was just another step in his journey to find some relief but- it's working!
Last night he showed the kids. You can't even see it- really, when he came home I looked & secretly thought he had already taken them out.... but no- it's there. Jack of course is thrilled- he's hoping one of his friends will notice so he can tell him he's a secret agent- then swear them to secrecy with the threat that if he tells- we'll have to be "relocated." He took them out before going to bed & BOOM the tinnitus was full blast blowing away in his head- again- but then again that just means the hearing aid- it was working. So there's hope of some relief-

A week ago today (after a mis diagnosis last spring & a week long miserable testing process) his mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease... he being her only son- the closest geographically (8 hours away- not good) has been under tremendous stress and sadness. We are all so sad at the thought... I can't even talk about it.

Thank you - thank you to the heaven's above for this modern day miracle that is giving us some peace before the rocky road ahead.
I'm sorry to Keri & Lyn for mentioning mom's disease in this post-I know you're reading & that she doesn't- please forgive me.

Life was starting to feel so long... and now it's just so short.

Thursday

Today I met up with the blogger moms & Laurie- janae we missed you- to work on some unfinished projects at wende's house. NICE. It was fun to get together, do something productive, & enjoy their company. I have prioritized this one day a week to do this & hope it really works out. I know if we can make it work it will be a real blessing in my life.Well, I'm not sure about them- but it truly turned out to be a great therapy session for me. Out of much frustration- I swore probably 10 times... and belly ached profusely about some situations beyond my control. yes I need to relax a bit - and wash my mouth out with soap - and get a grip. The thought of swearing in front of little Ethan... What is my Problem??? I am so ashamed now. I can only blame it on my parents... heeheee ha ha - my mom is going to be so mad- but hey- in my family when I was growing up if you got mad- the words you know-

let em' fly.

How is it possible I have any friends?

*do you ever give in & let lose swearing?

*does it help?

do rats go to heaven?

I'm trying not to be crabby.

something just put me over the edge today.
I'm not sure what--- but maybe it's the rat my husband caught in our backyard- in broad daylight- in a trap- while jack was watching like a hawk & saw the whole incident- during lunch- then proceeded to described the incident in full detail- over & over even though I pleaded with him to stop.

Now it's 11:30 PM & there's another one in the trap. Oh hell-

life

I was doing so good- but that's all over. I didn't go to WW this morning, didn't even pretend I was going to go... I am just burned out. I think in the last two days I have eaten anything & everything that has been in front of my face & now I want to puke. Why is this so hard for me? Maybe with the wedding over & every other busy thing winding down I just need a release? I don't know, but I do know I am out of control.

Also, I am sick, sick, sick of being busy. REally this is a life changing for me. I don't want to do it anymore. I am tired of it. I just want to create something & go to lunch with friends (there's that eating issue again.) I guess I am way out of balance. I am even thinking maybe balance is just too strong of a word. I bought a new necklace for 2008 that says CREATE on it... but stopped wearing it out of pure frustration. maybe I should buy another new one that says... sleeping in. Ya that's what I want. My new phrase is SLEEPING IN & NO COMMITMENTS. That is after the... benefit concert & concessions, council PTA, teacher appreciation booklet, decorations for 6th grade graduation, other teacher gifts, field day face painting, getting the missionary newsletter started, primary music- father's day songs, potluck for brett on friday, work on friday....... I'm doomed.