a birthday post-

Last week was my 47th birthday!

I hate to be all downer about it....

but I am kind of a big fat baby when it comes to my birthday.

I anticipate it for at least a week, usually longer.

 I get all weepy & start feeling sorry for myself. 

Next- I wonder why I am alive in the first place & if anyone loves me or ever has?

I imagine the worst possible thing happening... nobody remembering me.

 I contemplate it for days & wonder if I should go away on a trip so I won't be so disappointed and

 regret all of my life choices thus far.... 

I really do all of this.

every. year.

I feel so bad for my sweet husband.

 He has to live through this year- after year- after year.

It's ridiculous- I'm not proud- It's ugly- I'm starting therapy next month

(just keepin' it real.)

Maybe by now you have guessed that I have had a few rough birthdays?

WELL NOt This YEAR BabY!

Balloons on my mailbox- who did that?

 I want to kiss your face.

 I cried.

My mom called me first thing in the morning & let me pick out two books on Amazon that she sent out that day. I love them- they are here. Thanks mom. I love that you did that.

Karen & I went to lunch- I picked this place & it was wonderful & I love Karen.

 Thank you so much!

I came home to a present in the mail!

 Jill- you amaze me with your thoughtfulness & creativity!

Thank you!

Lisa left this on my doorstep & she didn't even have to do that?!

The "blogger moms" are having a real birthday party for me this week-

 lots of them were out of town last week.

Then- I was so lucky to get to meet up with ALL OF THESE CUTIES for a dinner I didn't even make!

I LOVED MY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR

Pre-dinner show of cuteness brought to you by:

Joey & Finn above- Charlie & Crew below

Peter was just plain cute. period.

We ate at probably my favorite place to eat downtown.

Did I mention it was such a great day?

 I even had help blowing out the candle on my dessert!

After dinner the kids & Brett were so great to give me all of these thoughtful gifts.

Tears, more tears-- such very thoughtful gifts- really.

The kids made a list of 47 things they love about mom...

 I read it out loud. 

Brett made me a list of the: Top Ten Reasons He is Glad He Married me

The kids read them out loud.

And I needed it.

I really did.

It's been a hard year of doubt, worry, weight gain, wondering if it is all my fault, asking myself over & over & over if I was good enough? If any of my life was good enough? 

I don't write this for you to feel sad for me or even to prove that I'm a brat

 - because really my life is awesome-

 or for people to leave comments.

I just want anyone out there who is reading (especially my future self & children) that

 sometimes life is just hard like that.

 And- sometimes it stays hard for a good long while,

 so you press on, and on, then wonder if it's worth it? 

And the answer is:

YES

It is worth it

I am worth it and so are YOU.

very exciting work day

Wednesday I was at work... just a workin' along. Demo-ing a french finishing sauce (piccata) over chicken & rice and... working at the cash counter.

WHEN LOW & BEHOLD

 I LOOKED UP

and there she was!!!

KELSEY NIXON

THE KELSEY NIXON from the Cooking Channel. THE KELSEY NIXON from Kelsey's Essentials. THE KELSEY NIXON that my girls & I ADORE, tape her shows, protect them on our DVR so we can watch them over & over (and we do!), THE KELSEY NIXON that Megan introduced me to on her adorable blog (she has the coolest wedding video.)

Ya- I was just a little excited.

I walked right up

without even hesitating

said:

are you KELSEY?

she said

yes

I started gushing.

 I'm pretty sure I embarrassed myself... and my co-workers... ya-- pretty positive. She was so kind to offer to take a picture with me. My IPhone was in the back- the store was really busy- she did write a little note for Chloe though. NOW-- I WANT TO DIE-- because I am so stupid!!! I should have gone & got my phone & taken the picture!!!!!!! dang it.

She was just as adorable in person as on TV. SUPER nice about my gushing... and so sweet to write a sincere note to Chloe.

She says her new season starts in January & she should have a cookbook out soon!

REally excited- but really wish I could have a signed cookbook. Did you know I LOVE signed cook books- and collect (well, I'm working on it) them? I DO!!

WEll- except for NOT TAKING A PICTURE & SOUNDING LIKE AN IDIOT... it was a pretty, darn, good, work day.