an unofficial spokeswoman

Sometimes I wonder if I am going to turn into the neighborhood/area authority on Mental Illness. I've thought about it for years now. It even weighs on me at times- kind of silly right?
Not to me.

I feel this need to keep private
but on the other hand--
The world is full of different people.
Different struggles & challenges.
I see my limited view of those people and how a majority of them have loved ones in their lives with Mental Illness.
An Aunt, Cousin, Sister, Brother, their own child or even..... themselves!
I wonder if I starting talking about it- would help or just hurt?
Actually to be honest-
I wonder if I will hurt myself?

Putting what I have learned out into the blogging universe is scary.

Today I have decided that
I must.
I've certainly never been a, "quiet" person.

So- intermingled between family history there will be posts on real life.
Life - a good life lived with Mental Illness swirling around me.

Mental Illness- it's not a swear word-
It's so hard to say though.

step one: it's okay- it's going to be okay.
Yes- it sucks.
But you are not alone
NEVER are you alone in your struggles.

There are others who have come before you & live - even thrive!
It's true.

part two

Christmas came & went- 

The ticking got a little better, but the depression grew worse.

Chloe couldn't go back to school like that & started doing some school from home with help from a liaison sent from the High School. Just after that we met with her tourette/OCD specialist, who confirmed it was time- time to admit Chloe into an adolescent, psychiatric ward. She had made plans.

 Plans to end it all. 

We took her straight over- and it was one of the most difficult experiences of my life.

 Before Thanksgiving- I had started a big project. 

Turning Hailey's room into a guest room.

Come winter- it was not getting done with everything else going on.

So- these two sweet friends came over one day & just like that- the bedroom was painted. 

The world is FULL of wonderful people!

I am lucky because I know a lot of them.

Words cannot express my relief to get this done. 

It's was a very long winter.

Chloe was in & out of the hospital - then started going to school there in an outpatient program.

Did you know that if a person gets extremely depressed they can have psychotic symptoms?

I didn't know that either. I was learning so many things I never thought I would ever need to know.

It was like the Chloe I knew- had left her body & a different Chloe entered in.

She had body dis-morphia & hated herself intensely. 

She was self harming & we learned that she had OCD symptoms for years.

Like- her room was always clean!
She never went to bed without reading her scriptures- and would have intense guilt if she did.
She liked to organize the refrigerator & pantry.
 Whenever anyone was sick she would clean the door knobs & wipe down the light switches.
She also hid Lysol spray & disinfectant wipes under her bed.
She counted things- everything.
She memorized license plates- knows to this day every plate in the neighborhood.
it goes on & on
We learned more & more- like when she was quite- or not engaged in conversations, she was counting.

I think it started out that she enjoyed doing those things & liked feeling helpful- then she was compelled to do it  couldn't keep up with it all. 

there was so much going on in her little brain.
She could not keep up with it all.
She went in & out of the hospital unit.
The doctors, nurses, social workers, psych techs, therapists, they were so good!
So very very good to us!
Still- I felt judged- like it was all my fault. I had failed. FAiled completely.
I wanted to scream out everyday as I entered the unit- I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!
I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER! But frankly I didn't know if that was true.
Worst of all I got phone calls- 2 terrible phone calls.
One from a well meaning family member-
one from a stranger who refused to tell me how she knew about our family-
 offering cures.
Special medications, drinks etc. that the happened to sell.
Things that would stop inflammation (their so called cause of depression- which may be true? How would I know?) One person even had a cure for me that had- "cured people with Down's Syndrome." Of course these cures come at hefty prices & we were spending all our money in the "wrong place."
I was told by both people- if I was a good mother I would try it.
A good mother would try anything, right?
WEll- she was on a lot of meds- I wasn't about to risk crossing the drugs she was already on with something not even approved by the FDA. It was too risky for me - I refused them.
they both got angry- really angry
It made me angry-
I felt like they were trying to take advantage of our sad situation.
 I felt & still feel sorry for the desperate people who fall for this crap.
It's been a year now & the family member (my sister) still won't speak to me.
It hurt & it still hurts.
I still think about it almost every single day.
Then- I try to remember the kind people who consistently help & offer encouragement.
REally-
WhY-- WHY is it we (I) let those few negative experiences take over all the good?
There are so many levels to this story.

chloe's story part one

This is a true story from my own point of view of the past year as my family & I have been blessed with the opportunity to learn hard lessons. Lessons on love, acceptance & why we are here on this earth anyway.

As the mother of children with mental illness I write this for three reasons:

1. therapy for myself

2. to help others- if you have ever struggled with mental illness or even worse, your child has- YOU are not alone. 

3. I never want to forget- actually there are a lot of things I want to forget- but I always want to remember so many things about this journey. I am a better person than I was before. 

 As most of us know...

Chloe has been ill for some time.

She was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome at 15 1/2.

She knew she had it longer, but didn't want to worry us & held it in-
 ticking only upstairs tucked away in her room.
After being diagnosed with severe OCD - then Tourette Syndrome on the same day. I was absolutely speechless, argued with the specialist, shocked, flabbergasted, how did I not see it?
I was devastated.
So was she.

Little did we (Brett & I) know that Tourette Syndrome was going to be the least of her problems.

We went through the rest of that year of school & dance & the summer- with lots of therapy. She hung on. Then she had to quit dancing. Her feet- the arches were about to fall- the pain was too intense. At a certain point it just wasn't fun- but mostly painful. The Tourette, she was trying to hide, got in the way & the OCD was starting to take over. 

She started obsessing about her body- she was "too big." Even her feet were "too big." She couldn't help it, she couldn't really see herself. It was all unreal. The depression got worse & worse.

Then the ticking-
 she just couldn't hold it in anymore.
She knew she shouldn't, her therapist told her not too,
 her mind told her not to-- but she was a 16 year old girl.

She would try to hide it at school then tick like mad- screaming ticks & hitting- when she got home. 

She compares it to holding in a sneeze- it just builds up until it has to come out at which point it is much bigger than when it started.

My sweet Chloe was at her limit.

The depression grew unbearable. Who could blame her?

It got worse & worse..... 

Christmas break 2012 it got so bad she was ticking loudly, screaming, hitting herself, and had her first tick storm. Ticking so violently she had to lay on her bed. I would put a pillow on her side while she beat herself & convulse & scream out ticks. It was excruciatingly painful for her - her dad & I felt completely helpless. The drugs- that were supposed to calm the ticks-- they made her feel drunk. She would randomly fall down at school and dance.Worse than that, they didn't stop the ticking.

The storms would start & Brett would call one of our dear neighbors to come help give her a priesthood blessing. They would leave in tears.

 I would kneel next to her bed & pray & keep saying-- it's okay, it's okay - just let it all out.