Christmas season 2013

This year for me-

Christmas meant extra hours at work.

Which frankly I was very grateful for.

Still- I have deep regrets for not getting my education. 

My constant lecture to my two sweet girls at home: get an education!

Education is power- it's freedom.

Freedom to choose what you want to do with your time.

Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my job- I really do!

I just don't love the pay- and I am not free to choose what I would like to do.

I know there are always exceptions, etc. But the facts are the facts & women need an education.

Apologies to my dear parents who offered it to me and... I didn't take the opportunity.

now I am old with too much responsibility to go back to school - women need something to fall back on- I wish I had more legitimate skills.

end of the lecture- feel free to move on

I set up a hot cocoa bar- thank you pinterest-

just after Thanksgiving.

It's so pretty under the microwave I think I will leave it up all winter.

I honestly don't drink hot cocoa- don't like it- but the kids do and I love this display.

I love our Christmas tree- I love that Chloe & Trent put most of the decorations on with Jack, Cory & Hailey. It was so much fun & I didn't take pictures of people putting on the decorations... oh my goodness. 

At work we started a Cooking With Kids series & it has been VERY successful.

I have been teaching it once a month on Saturday mornings- corporate had this big idea to do the same thing every Saturday in November- so we jumped on board of course. It was really fun. Then in December we decorated cookies & gingerbread houses. We have a pretty good following now. I gotta say- it's so fun when the kids run up & hug me. My own at home Cooking with Kids classes start up again next week. I have a full - cooking with kids schedule! I'm always looking for ideas for things- parents want kids to know- so feel free to comment with suggestions.

The down side- I am always wishing I was at home doing this with my own kids & grand kids...

I just can't seem to find balance right now.

I love snow in winter.

It's been so pretty here!

Our chickens our surviving since Brett digs them out & makes them a walk way. 

They are down to only producing one egg a day- one egg between the two of them?

Don't really know why & I haven't made it a priority to figure it out.

We continue on with medical tests AKA: waste of money- no one knows what to do for him-- for Jack. warning: DO NOT SEND ME SUGGESTIONS.

 I am up to my throat and about to drown in them-

thank you very much.

 We are working it out- not really- but we are trying- do not send me your ideas or give my number anonymously to anyone. Sorry but really- it's that bad. I don't want to know what super healing power you got from eating chicken soup or oil pulling. I hope all those things are successful for you -I really do- and I am not opposed to nontraditional medical ideas- I am opposed to getting them from people at this point. Truthfully- I swear- SWEAR - I've heard it all.

Jack & I on this day went in for a hydrogen breath test & MRI for his migraines. 

He is on leave from work & misses classes on a regular basis now. Thank goodness for understanding & wonderful professors. AND- it's not that bad because he got all A's

ALL A'S ON HIS FINALS!!

this kid- gotta love him- or be amazed

What I do love to hear from people- is that they are praying for him & for us to figure it out.

I know that prayer will probably be the key to this. 

Grateful for a loving Heavenly Father & for this Christmas Season.

More on Christmas to come.

season of change- BIG change

Disclaimer:

There are random photos in this post that pretty much have nothing to do with the written word.

(Sunday morning blocks- made for Johnny to knock over.)

There have been a lot of changes in our home this past year.

Most good- Some hard.

Which is really how our lives are here at our house~ Mostly good & Sometimes hard.

Frankly, I think that's how life is for most people.

Anyhow- 

The biggest change has been that last winter, Chloe was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome. 

I know-

For me it was like getting sucker punched in the gut. I should have seen it. As much as she tried to hide it- there were signs & I just didn't see it. I was it complete shock. I told the doctor he was wrong. But he wasn't. I tried to put on a brave face when the specialist brought her back in the room (ticking for the first time in front of me) - I knew she had to be in so much pain emotional & physical pain.  She didn't want us to know- didn't want us to have any more worry. She has the social awareness that Trent doesn't have- to know how to hide it & hold it in until she was alone. I wanted her to know it was okay, it was going to be okay. But inside I felt like my Heavenly Father had completely cursed us-- and it wasn't okay. I was mad. I was really mad. Why would this beautiful, kind girl need this?

 NOT Fair- not right- not my daughter.

(Brittany's birthday cake from Sunday's birthday dinner- YUM-)

So- she has Tourette Syndrome. 

She has a 98% chance of growing out of it by the age 19. 

tender mercy

It's okay- It's really okay

It took me over a month to even get the words out of my mouth. 

Even longer to talk about it with out completely breaking down & bawling my eyes out.

I won't go into what her ticks are like- they are there, not always but mostly at night & definitely during times of stress. We have learned so much about stress, anxiety & the mind. She started some therapy for her anxiety. She takes meds. She was scared & is not now. She still hides it mostly- but never in front of her close friends who know all about it & are a GREAT support. She doesn't have to hide it- she just chooses to most of the time & that's okay. She is amazing-

(I picked up a HUGE bag of Garrett's famous popcorn in the Chicago airport last August on my way home from Megan's house-- ya it was GOOD) 

I've mentioned here before that her feet have been in a lot of pain- and that has made ballet difficult/nearly impossible. Her teacher (once a professional ballerina) told her she had the talent, the body, the flexibility- but not the feet. Then she said- she would not be able to dance much longer-- at least not with out a lot of misery. We went to a podiatrist... who confirmed that. She took loads of ibuprofen, danced, then iced & put her feet up- three days a week. She came close to having her arches fall completely several times.

She was bound & determined to keep dancing. Unfortunately the stress from the pain on her feet brought out the worst in ticking & it was hard- and scary. She went on meds to help with the severity of it & sometimes would fall at dance and even at school. We ended up in the ER at Primary Children's hospital after dance one night from such severe ticking - they thought she was having a stroke.

 We talked about -- not dancing-- last spring. It has to be her decision. We talked about change-- maybe taking Karate (she has always wanted to) or running cross country?

 Quitting-- That was NOT an option in her mind.

 Chloe made it through the summer wearing, "old lady shoes," with almost no ticking & hardly any foot pain.

Here we are - it's Fall.

 Ballet started in August. The Ibuprofen, swelling followed by icing, all started up again and- then school started. Nutcracker auditions were on September 5th & she got two parts on point. Waltz & Snow.

 We were all ready to go-

 when she decided it was time.

Time to move on.

 Time to play football & start dating & do more art. Time to try running & maybe a part time job? Time to move on & even though ballet has been & will always be a great love.

It is time.

So- I called the ballet company & her part was given to another dancer- can you imagine her excitement!?

 And that is that.

No more ballet.

I am relieved. I am so happy she is not in pain & frankly I'm not bothered one bit by the fact I am not driving to the ballet studio 3-5 times a week. I am amazed at the courage & strength of my children. They have been an example to me- everyone of them.

(Megan & Tony with the boys at the jump ZOne this past weekend)

So there you have it.

After 13 years of ballet it is time for a change.

***

You can learn more about Tourette Syndrome here:

http://kidshealth.org/teen/diseases_conditions/brain_nervous/tourette.html

broken hearted

It's been a hard week on the aspergers/autism front.
More than one kid at school this week has picked on my favorite guy.

Yesterday...
Even the typical supportive kids were involved in a challenge to get him to suck down ketchup packets in the lunch table. T- he doesn't get it. He knows something is not right - but he doesn't "get" it. I was angry. Then I was really angry. Then I wrote some emails. Now I am heart broken.

It's not just autism/aspergers we are dealing with.
It's hard to write this.
I just admitted it fully to myself recently.
But he is you know, slow.
His IQ tests are very low.
(Gosh- I can't believe I am writing this? Why does it make me feel better? Like I'm unloading a burden on a close friend? Am I trying to get sympathy, do I crave attention?)
He is more than a kid with ADHD- Tourettes- OCD- anxiety... he is special. He can't help it. He doesn't understand. Most things are more difficult for him than other kids. He just wants to play & have friends, & be liked--- you know, just like all of us.

My heart hurts.
Thanks for listening.

flu shot... in photos

Last Saturday -- things didn't go as planned. We had an appointment at our pediatrician for a flu shot & flu mists. Well, even though I had called to make sure the clinic took our insurance, when we got there & after I filled out the paper work- they let me know they did not take our insurance. AAAH! (You have to understand-- I had been looking all over for a place that would take us.) I called the number on the back of our insurance card & the only place close that wouldn't charge us a co-pay was Super Target. Oh boy-- the girls (I had told them just to jump in the car without getting ready because I thought we would be quick in & out of the pediatricians office) were not happy. When we got to Target-- we found out they don't offer the mist, just the shot. Oh Hell. I was not about to go back to the office then pay $30 each for the mist. Everyone had to buck up & get the shot. It was fun. that was sarcasm.

We all got em' -- now let's hope we don't get the flu.

fire on the mountain

Last night was quite dramatic! Unfortunately there was a fire on the mountain above our house. If you are a regular reader, I'm sure over the years you have seen photos of the mountain. Around 8:00 a fire started & took off like you know.... wild fire. We are so fortunate to live so close to such a beautiful mountain! It's the mountain we hike on a regular basis- so we were all rather sad & concerned (okay, okay- I don't hike it, but the rest of the family does.) Sad- until the fabulous fire department got moving! Wow- they were great!!! They got up there & took that fire down. Yes- it took a while, flames were still flying high (we could see flames with the naked eye from our street) after midnight. This morning it is all contained & it has even sprinkled a bit, with more rain on the way. Let me tell you sister- if we were not sure that Trent had anxiety before tonight- it is completely apparent now- holey hysteria! He really had a rough time bawling his eyes out, screaming at us, and obsessing about his baby pictures & toys, etc. It didn't help that the county government sent out a reverse 911 call & told our neighborhood to prepare to evacuate- not that I'm saying they shouldn't have, the whole neighborhood was just outside talking it over & Trent was of course taking it all in. I didn't realize Trent was freaking out so bad outside- I mean hey, his dad was with him? Most of the time I was in the family room laying on the couch watching the Style Network (have you seen this show? I watched it for the first time last night & I loved it) obviously, I wasn't worried one bit. Hell0-- there are 3 blocks of houses between us & the fire & there was no way our very competent fire fighters were going to let it get that out of control people!? There have been many fires over the years on the mountains around us & not one house has ever burned down or even. come. close! Anyways... Brett had to take him aside & yell over him to shock him into listening for a second- then I brought him in the house & sat him on the couch and talked it through. I rubbed his legs & Hailey brought him hot cocoa. We watched an episode of Arthur... this morning we had a lot of "lessons learned."

Thank goodness that is over & hopefully we will all be a little more prepared for the non emergency- emergency.

Life-- it's all good.

extreme mother fear. why I haven't been blogging

It's been a rough month here in our home.
Three weeks ago Hailey started having what we call "episodes." She, we & her doctors are not sure if she is having seizures or panic attacks- or frankly, both.
They come, nearly
every
day.
usually- at school.
just what every 16 year old sophomore dreams of.... (that was sarcasm)
she cannot drive anymore
she does not sleep well
she seems fine & is cheerful & tries really hard to not seem scared.
maybe she's not scared.
but I am
Last week - Friday morning-
she & I went to Primary Children's hospital in SLC to have an MRI & an EEG.
the results- just as I had been prompted-
normal
relief- no tumors.
but fear
now what?
we don't know why?
she doesn't know why?
she just doesn't want them to come anymore.
Today brett got an email from a dear friend whose daughter has cancer.
The told him today that she is terminal, take her home & keep her comfortable.
She is just older than Megan- early 20's.
I can't help it. I feel so sad for them but so relieved that is not us.
how can this be happening to anyone so young?
hailey is currently in the cast of her H.S. production of CATS
I have been making a cat costume.
Cat costumes are not fun to make- neither are cat wigs.
But it is done- she doesn't want to quit.
I can't blame her.
she has worked so hard.
Opening night
this
friday
Brett & I take turns going to rehearsals in case
it happens.
tonight was brett's turn
and it
did happen.
Why am I telling you this?
I just thought you might want to know why I'm not blogging.
maybe getting it off my chest (with her permission) will help me to cope.
But what can I do to help her more?
We are asking our friends & family to please fast for her this Sunday March 7th.
I believe in the power of prayer.
We would appreciate some of that too.

So- keep us in your prayers.
please fast if you can

~patsy

mt. timpanogas cave

My husband loves to hike.

I don't.

But, I'm a pretty good sport.

For 13 years we have lived here in the great state of Utah...

and we have always said-- we were going to hike up to the Mt. Timpanogas cave, but haven't gotten around to it. In honor of living a "more meaningful life,"we decided to go Friday morning.
Brett took the day off work, we packed a lunch & headed out early. The tickets to the cave sell out early, so the internet says... plus it was going to be a hot day. Everyone needed a jacket- it's only 43 degrees year round in the cave & the tour of the cave lasts about an hour. Most of us preferred to tie a jacket around our waist... others wore theirs with the hood on, the whole entire trip just to annoy the heck out of their mothers-geez louiz, child?

Before leaving Brett searched the internet for a cub scout patch to earn at Mt. Timpanogas National Monument- no luck- but when we got there to get tickets we asked & sure enough-- there was a patch. On the list of requirements it said the scout needed to watch the 17 minute movie about the monument before leaving on the hike- so we did--
and this is where I should have stopped myself...
Watching the informative little movie got me thinking.
Hmm-- 1 1/2 mile hike, 1065 ft. up...
to a cave...?
That little voice inside me said, "I'm not sure this trip is for you?"
I didn't want to spook the kids,
I knew Brett was really excited about this hike...
I didn't say a word.

We found a delightful little picnic spot across the road & ate our lunch. Trent picked up some garbage as part of the patch earning process. It was stunningly beautiful!
The smell of the pine trees was intoxicating & reminded me of the many camping days of my youth. I loved, loved, loved camping as a girl in the mountains of WA state! Loved it.
This was going to be fun!

We started up the trail with many other families. Families with little kids running up the trail with enthusiasm, moms with babies in backpacks (so cute.) I said to Brett- I should bring all of my scouts here! What a great trip! What a great patch! We were amazed & couldn't believe we hadn't been here before this- what a shame- 13 years & we hadn't hiked this trail yet?!

It was a little steep, but so beautiful, not hot yet & it was just great to be out together.

Then
it started.
To get steep.

I learned something about myself - fast-
I don't like kids. running. near. cliffs.
I don't like me. being. near. cliffs. at. all.
or hiking. or being outside. or nature that has to do with views from up really high.

signs like this one-
did not make me feel any better.

I started saying things like,
"DON'T WALK NEXT TO THE EDGE."
"STAY TO THE LEFT"
I started sweating- profusely.
My heart was pounding.
It left it's regular spot in my chest & settled in my throat.
I was getting dizzy.

"Look at that view of the valley!" brett kept saying...
"isn't this gorgeous," brett kept saying... then
"we can walk slower, do you need a drink of water?"
"kids, let's stop & let mom rest for a bit."
I wasn't doing too good.
Not to worry--- we had been walking forever, maybe we were getting close?
or maybe we had been walking for 15 minutes & were only 1/4 of the way up- that was it.


Even though we were walking up hill-
I was going down hill... mentally & physically.
I made it a little over 1/2 way up. I really wanted to go, but it wasn't going to happen.
I could tell that Brett was disappointed with me, but didn't want to be. He married a wimp. Those other families with their little ones walking, running & laughing up a steep mountain... were making me insane. CHILDREN SHOULD NOT WALK NEAR CLIFFS - ESPECIALLY AHEAD OF THEIR PARENTS ALONE. I felt very strongly about this & found myself having to look away when others were near us. I started clinging to the side of the mountain & then hyperventilating. I stopped taking photos. As we turned a corner I looked up- way up- and there were people still walking the trail.
I started to cry.
I could hardly breath.
I thought I might throw up.
It was over.
The rest of the family went on without me.
I sat on a bench for what felt like a long time.
I wondered if I should try to catch up? no.
I started down the mountain & knew I had made the right decision. If walking up the mountain was a scary view... just think about how scared I was walking down- it was a much more vivid view of DOWNness. I clung next to the mountain wall as I shuffled down. As people came near me I tried to appear normal & sane & not to breath too heavy. Someone asked me if I liked the cave?- they must have assumed- I made it & was on my way down.
"oh ya- it's great." I kept slithering down & met a park ranger. He told me- (in between asking me if I was okay) that cave made him claustrophobic... so his favorite thing to do was to walk the trail- ya I made the right choice. What was I thinking? I am so claustrophobic- SERIOUSLy what was I thinking? I guess I was thinking there would be railings & a big huge cave room that you would walk into, look around & leave. Nope.
I kept telling myself- I'm good at lots of things... really I am. I'm not an idiot, no, not at all.
It wasn't my best day.

here are some of the photos from the cave.

THEY made it!

They loved it!

After leaving the cave Trent signed the book- therefore ensuring he earned the patch.

It was beautiful, tight at times & so cool inside!

The breathtaking view on the way back down.

they even saw a baby squirrel.

Awe, nature...

it's a glorious thing.

Trent will be receiving the Utah National Monument Patch at the next pack meeting.

I will not be returning with the other Bear scouts, or ever for that matter. I did calm down before they made it down a couple of hours later. Luckily the snack bar had diet pepsi - that'll do in an emergency- I brought a book. It took about an hour, but I calmed down & was so happy to see them when they got back about 2 1/2 hours later.

We were all exhausted.

I learned a lot about myself this day.

Some things are good to know.

I mean about myself.

So- you know- I don't do that kind of thing... again. EVer....

Am I the Only One?

~who feels low at Christmas?
~who forgets their Costco coupons EVErytime I go there?!!!!
~who is Thrilled to be paying $1.48 a gallon for gas?
~who is trying to get the house clean, before decorating for the holidays... bad, bad idea... now I'm feeling even lower & wishing I didn't have to decorate at all?
~who is cleaning up dog doo & dog food (oh man, these are NOt Christmas smells)
~who thought I would scale down this school year- what happened to that plan?
~who hasn't sent a Christmas package to the missionary- now it won't be there in time for sure... how much candy & mac & cheese can you send one missionary??? ( I don't know what to send?)
~who started a handmade gift months ago- now realizing it's the wrong size for the frames??

having a hard morning....

raw gratitude

Today I am thankful that NO ONE is going to mention:
1. cell phones
2. cell phone plans
3. sim cards
4. tricking me into "trading" phones
5. blu tooth
6. blu teeth
7. pay as you go plans
8. AT & T
9. Blackberries
10. The Unusable, No plaN, blackberry that a friend in Brett's office gave him- much to his distress because it doesn't work.
11. The untrue fact that he may need to make an emergency call to 911 if our house is on fire & the phones are all not working and the neighbors are all gone.... ?
12. "everyone has one"- which is a LIE
(even though last week after school, across town, we saw a little girl about kindergarten age, walking & talking on one... if I knew her or her parents I would slap them. Trent just about flew out of his seat...Proof that someone Younger than him has one- "look that girl has a cell phone!!" I bet it's a toy I said- I bet she's borrowing it from her mother, I said... no luck convincing him)

NO ONE will mention these things...

Because, if anyone mentions these things-

SANTA WILL HEAR HIM!

and you know what that means!?

good idea - or just a big mess?

I am really lucky to have two pantries in my kitchen. My house is over 25 years old though & I think the paint inside the pantries is original. It was looking pretty bad. I have always wanted to paint the inside a color- just to brighten things up. So, Thursday I did it- cleaned out the pantry & started painting.I guess I didn't really think it through.

Here it is Saturday morning & the mess is still here. The shelves have to dry extra long-

they will be covered in cans & heavy stuff

so we need to make sure the paint has cured.

Oh boy- I didn't mean for this to be a project Brett helped with, but here he is- what a guy. I think he is opting to paint rather than deal with the nine year old?

The problem with painting ONE thing is that you then notice every other dirty thing around that needs a coat of paint too!

Oh the Humanity!

I kind of wish I would've just let it be- It's going to be worth it- right?!

big fat baby stikes again

Look at this!!!

I stayed down ALL DAY yesterday, kept my foot up & wow. It looks so much better today. You can't see all the green & yellow grossness, but this is the first time I thought my foot looked good enough to put on the screen. DAng it now I wish I had a before & after picture. Do you ever have those days where you are so mad & cranky & either PMS or an alien from another planet took over your brain- of course not right? Well I had one yesterday & it was a doozy. Thinking about it this morning I am laughing at what a complete idiot I am. Luckily all our kids were off playing at friends homes except trent who doesn't notice anyway.

I decided that NO ONE was helping me. That was it. I'm sick of help- I'm doing it my self. (I am very stubborn this way, a lot.) I wouldn't let anyone get me anything, so I went mostly hungry & angry all day long. (Note: it's really impossible to carry food & walk on crutches unless the food fits in your pocket or you can stuff it in your bra) So string cheese & some crackers were pretty tasty.

My poor husband spent the day doing laundry, dishes, & working on a slide show of Christ for a presentation at church today. Get a load of that- I'm pouting & being a royal pain in the butt while he is doing that....Could I be a bigger idiot? I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy.

At the end of the night I watched the slide show-- sniff sniff. Maybe this is a lesson I needed to learn. Nothing happens on accident. I guess... I need help. I need more than help. I shouldn't try to do everything by myself all the time. I needed to be humbled. I need to strengthen my relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This lesson I am learning-- why do I have to keep learning this over & over? I think I need mental help- or a brain transplant- do they do those?

So don't feel sorry for me- feel sorry for Brett- you know he's the one who is really suffering these days.... I've got to do better.